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Friday, June 9, 2017

It's Not All Bad

It was a beautiful day today. The sun was shining, I got to go to the store without children hanging off me asking for stuff, and I bought myself a treat...booze. Hey it's summer I an totally deserve that Gin & Tonic and Margaritas. We do have storms heading our way but I love a good summer storm. I might be able to fire up a video game tonight. I was blasting my music, singing in my car, and having a great day.

I took a detour home and hung out with my favorite girl, Angela, then came home and started dinner. I felt lazy so I experimented on the kids and made a ham casserole and skipped veggies because I can't be fucked to chop and cut. I even managed to get my semi-feral children bathed. Summers are pretty loose and relaxed around here.

I was reminded today that sometimes the fact I am a genuinely nice person that cares and will help out whenever/wherever I am needed can be a double edged sword. While most of the time my generous nature is greeted with open arms and thankfulness, sometimes I am viewed suspiciously or people paint me with a reputation I didn't earn because they do not understand why I am doing these helpful things for someone. Yes, I also run the risk of being used but that's fine, my helpfulness rarely involves money so the only things used are my time and energy.  One of the hazards of living in a small town where everyone knows everyone and their entire personal history, is you are an unknown element. Add that to a complicated history and relationship...tongues start wagging. Fortunately, I always keep my nose clean so eventually the truth comes out or everyone decides maybe I am not sent to town on a mission from Satan. I am used to people just not understanding me in general so I hardly notice these things any longer.

I was once asked why I am willing to stick my neck out for people, even virtual strangers, and I gave it some thought today. The short answer; I can't help it. It's just who I am. I think because I had no one to help me when I was younger and desperately needed it, I refuse to let anyone else feel lost, helpless, and abandoned if it is in my power to do something. Even something small like doing a load of laundry can have a big impact on someone's day. Most of the time people just need someone to listen and care. So that's what I do, listen and care. I'll offer advice or guidance when appropriate and then do a load of their laundry or something.

I met two of the most wonderful and accepting people I have ever known through my desire to help and I wouldn't trade them for anything on Earth. Other than leaving my grown children in Ohio, the pain of leaving them is going to leave a hole in my soul. I'll just have to visit them or they will have to visit me. Thank goodness for technology, we are all only a call/text/FaceTime away from each other. Granted, it won't be the same as showing up at each other's houses whenever we feel like it or need a chin wag/hug but it will have to do. It's better than nothing. Shawn and Angela are two of the best people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. We can discuss anything or tell each other anything without judgment or risking losing the love and respect we have for each other. I adore their boys like they were my own.

Someone took me to task online about not being sympathetic to my son's mental illness and treating like a burden. You know what, I am sooooo sympathetic to him that I don't make any demands on him at all other than to not be verbally abusive to his brother and sisters. We all tiptoe around his mood swings and try to not upset him. And, FYI, dealing with his illness while he is unmedicated IS A GODDAMN BURDEN. It's a burden to him and to me. Just because I am honest and admit the strain I am under with everything already piled on me, then having to help him find the right doctor and treatment, doesn't make me unsympathetic. It fucking makes me a human being. I can admit my feelings. Something I haven't been able to to for years for fear someone would point out that I was a failure. I'm not a failure. I am not weak. I am just a woman at her limit sometimes and that is perfectly fine. So you can take your judgmental, perfect ass and walk the fuck out of here. Got it? Good.

I was asked to explain my posting about the sex thing and how after awhile you don't even care about it any longer. Well, I am not sure what else to say about it except it's completely true. After the first two months of my husband being gone, I stopped thinking about sex. Getting "horny" isn't something that happened and I physically didn't care about it. That resistance to the sexual urge dissipates after you have sex again but you know that after a few weeks it'll be gone and life will continue on. Sure their are sex toys and masturbation but not only are they NOT the same as having a physical body with you, the orgasms are decidedly unsatisfying in my opinion so why waste the energy? I hope this explains what I meant.

That all being said, the hardest times are night. That doesn't change. Going to bed alone or even sitting by myself in the evening watching a movie/TV is when I really notice how "single" I am right now. It at these times when I start to feel the weight of everything and my mood can get very dark if I allow it. I do hate going to bed. My bed is so big for just one person.

Of course, on the other hand, I always have kids underfoot and household "disasters" to attend to so the thought of getting away is appealing. That would be a different type of alone. That's the type of along when you don't have kids making demands on you.  Still escaping for a weekend away is totally better with another person or people but hey, at this point I'd take doing it alone even if it was just for the sleeping. It would be awesome to have an adult weekend....


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