Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Growing Up is Hard

This week or so has been very tough for me. I have come to realizations about myself that I hadn't considered before. I am still bi so don't get excited. I generally felt like I was defective or that something was wrong with me. Now that I have been on my own for a couple years, I have had a ton of time to myself to think things over. It was brought to my attention in the past but I ignored it as error on the part of the observer. Yes I know this sounds pretty cryptic but I am not ready to openly talk about it yet, as it were.

Needless to say, facing these changes and self introspection has lit my anxiety up like a damned Christmas tree. I am also abnormally nervous and under a ton of stress. Basically, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or maybe scream. It's a horrible feeling. I am hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I am literally pinning my future on it. If the changes being made fail, life as I know will irreparably change and it will be filled with pain and heartache. If it works out, there will be a happiness I have been missing and that will be wonderful for my husband and kids as well.

I just wish I wasn't blindly slogging through things....

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Distance Can Be a Good Thing

So as many of you know, my husband works and lives in Denver while I work and live in NE Ohio with out kids. It isn't an ideal situation but it is what we must do at the moment, so we have adapted. It's been a little over 2 years since he went to Denver. We had not planned on being apart this long and yes, it has created strain and tension in the marriage at times. Namely, he has more freedom than I do since I have the kids and the house to deal with. He just goes to work and then has weekends to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. If I want to do something there has to be arrangements, babysitters, time off (I work every other weekend)....you get the idea. Normally, I just skip it all and stay home. That means for the past 2 years I have pretty much isolated myself from life in general because it is just too damn hard to arrange things most of the time.

Well, I have begun to grow tired of always spending my days off cleaning the house and sitting around so I made a decision to get back into the world. I swear I have been hibernating since he left. I am slowly getting back into living but this time, I am trying to live more for myself and less for everyone else. I have trips planned and events to go to. It is time for me to be a little selfish, frankly it is long overdue.

I decided to explain this to my husband; explain that I wasn't going to spend all my time alone sitting in the house waiting to clean something or for him to call. I wanted to have a life. He took it pretty well and was very supportive of the idea. He thought it was wonderful that I wanted to get out and do things. We talked for hours about things that had been on our minds and you know what, I had never felt closer to him than I did then. Honestly, we hadn't talked like that since we first got married.

Distance is truly tough but sometimes it can be a boon in disguise.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Conversations with Friends

**I should preface this post with a little information: I have never felt that monogamy works for everyone. Statistics on divorce supports this. I adore conversations that make me think about alternative narratives of life. I have always been a odd duck so to speak and have very unique opinions on life and relationships. I also have never viewed any loving relationship as bad. I do not believe there is only one person, one soulmate, out there for everyone. Most of the world would be single because the chance of meeting that one person would be astronomical. I truly do believe it is possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. What has been wrong is how society and religion has pigeonholed everyone into the single idea that the only right relationship is a lifetime marriage of one man and one woman. Humans are far more interesting than that and our capacity to love is far more infinite**

always wonderful to have a good friend. That person that knows just how to entertain you or what you need. Last night my friend called me and we had the most fascinating conversation. Now this might not seem all that great to some people but I have a love of all things anthropological, which might seem odd since I generally find people awful but there is a difference between understanding how people work and having to deal with people. I prefer the former.

Now I am not very good at being an "off-the-cuff" speaker most of the time. I like to choose my words and thoughts very carefully. I am very precise about expressing myself as a general rule, so philosophical ramblings, "what if" tangents, and talking about deeper myself are not easy conversations for me. I like to chew on things for a long time, review, and edited to make sure I am expressing my thoughts and opinions in the clearest way possible. It's why I prefer writing things down.

I was presented with a "what if" idea to mull over after a conversation regarding people and the variety of alternative relationships/lifestyles that are out there. Now I am, admittedly, in a very unique relationship right now with my husband living in a different state, so this was all very interesting to me. I have close friends and acquaintances in "alternative" relationships like polyamory or friends that have differing sexual orientations like gay, pansexual, etc.

Well, we stuck to the idea of polyamory for most of the conversation and I was presented with the "what if" - What if you or your husband met someone you cared about and wanted to keep with you openly, what would be done and how do you think you'd each react? Now this was presented in part because of the way we have been living our lives completely apart except for small visits, phone calls, and gaming online. So I suppose the possibility of one of us meeting someone new isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, if looked at logically.

In fact, I have an acquaintance that just went through something similar in recent years. Granted, they weren't living apart but he found someone else he cared for just as much as his wife and now they live a polyamory lifestyle. Now I find this very interesting because there are kids involved and there are four people involved, he and the new love were both married. I wish I knew them better because I have so many questions; how do you explain it to children, how did you present it to your spouses, how did they take it originally, how do you seemingly make it work so well? So many questions. My curiosity gets the better of me sometimes.

Anyway, this whole thing got me to thinking...what would happen? My husband and I are very different people in many ways including mindsets. While we are also very similar. We are both easygoing, caring, open-minded people but he is far more traditional in many ways than I am. I would like to thank my friend for keeping me up until 4-4:30am thinking about this. Never give me an interesting "what if" to ponder late at night. My brain can't let it go. LOL

Personally, after some serious thought, I'd welcome the addition if there was true caring involved. I'd be excited that my husband met someone he cared for as much as he cared for me. I would embrace the idea. However, this is where I think we'd differ. He's very traditional when it comes to his own relationships so I think he'd be offended, angry, and threatened. I can just visualize the anger now. It's weird how different people in a string relationship can be. Now I could be wrong and he would surprise me by being into the idea but I doubt it. I've been married to this man for 25 years and he's only surprised me twice, both recently but still it's only twice. I can read him like a book.

tl;dr Last night I was presented with the idea of my marriage being less than traditional in various settings and it kept me awake because I am a geek about human behavior.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Still Lost In Thought

Tonight I am sitting here and thinking about what I contribute to the lives of the people around me. Am I making a good impact or am I not? What are they gaining by allowing me to be a part of their lives? It might seem strange to some that I actively do this but I find it helpful. It keeps me honest with myself and helps me to try to be the best person I can be. I am not perfect so I am sure there are times I am less than wonderful but, I do try.

I am finding that after being on my own for over 2 years, I have grown less patient. I tire quickly of things that annoy me and so many things annoy me now; more than than before. I am also becoming far too independent and far too cold. I have come to the end of the fucks I have to give. My bag of fucks is nearly empty so I choose what I give a fuck about more carefully. It is hard to have a warm, soft heart and gentle soul when the weight of the world (family) rests on your shoulders alone. Heavy loads weigh a person down, ages them, makes them more selfish, emotionless, and often times it makes a person break. I haven't broken yet but I am definitely fraying around the edges a bit. Hopefully it'll make me look well loved like an old blanket and not torn up like a rag. 

There's another issue, love. I don't think people realize what a luxury love is. It takes a ton of energy to love, it takes a lot of time to love, and it certainly takes a lot of attention. None of these things are things I have time for anymore. I find that I am getting rather hardhearted in a way. I don't want to be like that so I am trying to be more aware of it. I am paying attention to it and trying to nurture that kinder side of me. It ain't easy though. Thus I question myself and motives almost daily. I have to. 

Things with my son are up and down. Good and bad times come in waves. Not small waves but tsunami like waves, waves that overtake everything. The good days are great and I cherish each one. The bad days are full of stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, and heartache, I see a light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long. I just want him to have a life that is some sort of normal for him. One that allows him to be his kind of happy and independent. I know that's what he wants too. He feels guilty that I am still in Ohio because "it's all his fault" but in reality, it isn't. Sure he's the reason I am not in a rush because what mother would be able to walk away from her child that is in need, but there are other things keeping me here as well. It's hard to move away from three of your kids, separate siblings, and leave a place that has been home for so many years. Plus I might not have a big circle of friends but the ones I do have, I cherish and love. It's all rather heartbreaking, if I am honest. 

I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid or hold things inside because I fear burdening others with everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I do it to protect others as well as myself. Then there are just somethings that are better of unsaid because expressing them can cause someone pain. 

Enough rambling, I need to get a game controller in my hand or start doing needlework again to ease my brain. I spend too much time alone so I think too much. 

Monday, January 28, 2019

Finally Got A Laptop

My laptop died a little over a year ago and thanks to a wonderful friend, I have a lovely serviceable laptop again. Anyhoo, on to other things.

I am now on back issue #3 so that has given me some time to think and question myself. Possibly too much time but it is what it is. It has also been a little over 2 years since my husband moved to Colorado to work. Trying to balance our separate lives and our lives together, namely our marriage, has been quite the example of dexterity. Somehow we are making it work. Probably because we know we have separate lives and neither of us tries to insert ourselves in the other's life through jealousy, anger, or resentment. The feelings might be there but we keep it to ourselves, I guess.

I recently made the statement that people come into our lives for a reason and a friend of mine stated he did not like that idea because it gives the impression that we do not control our lives; that everything is already predetermined. He is right, I guess it does though I did not mean it that way. I had a lovely weekend with this friend. We spent it in Cleveland and I have not enjoyed myself like that, total relaxation, in a very long time. Back to reality today though. I had to have an EMG and I started yet another round of physical therapy so my brain had a lot of time to wander. Neither event kept my brain busy enough to keep it from looking inward.

When I say that people come into our lives for a reason, I really mean that we surround ourselves with certain people for a reason. We are the ones that choose, either consciously or unconsciously, those that we want around us. Maybe the role they fill is pretty obvious or basic; like you have this one for comfort when you need it or this one for intimacy or maybe this one to just get wild with when you need to blow off steam. Sometimes the reasons are far more subtle and intangible. Take a look at the people you choose to spend time with or talk to; why did you pick them in particular? This is a question I have been asking myself all day.

Of course the bigger question is why am I asking myself this? Mostly because I want to be sure I have people around me for the right reasons, not out of fear for myself but out of worry for them. Being on my own with the kids has been hard and maybe it's because of the life I have had but I worry that I could be perceived as using or taking from them. I never want to be a drain on anyone I care about but I also do not want to be the source of their pain.

My life has become increasingly complicated and isolating, and I do not want that to spill over to others. No one deserves that kind of hurt and I am the only person that should be cleaning up my messes. I just need to get my head back in the game so to speak.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Speed Bumps and Other Things....

School has started up again for the little ones. This means my evenings are full of homework, showers, and dinner. I have begun to work out again thanks to my best friend Shawn. We both need the motivation and while I am having to modify things because of my back issue, I am still coming out sore so I am definitely getting a workout.

My insurance comp-any has agreed to give me a new roof so now I am waiting for the check to arrive. Then I can meet with the roofer, pick a color, and see when they are coming out. It'll be a few days of noise but at least I won't have to worry. My van is acting up though and I am afraid to drive it at this point. Hopefully i can get it to the shop tomorrow.

My biggest worries now are making ends meet and Christmas. I keep putting in applications for jobs where I KNOW they are looking but I can't get a callback to save my life. I don't care what anyone says about having employment gaps being okay when you have a good reason like raising kids....it's bullshit. They look at the gaps and throw your shit in the trashcan. They don't care why they just know you haven't been working lately.

The stress has had an effect on me. I am not eating more than 1 meal a day, I am not sleeping well at night, and I always feel like if someone spoke the right word I'd probably collapse and cry. The weight of responsibility feels a bit overwhelming. I am solely responsible for EVERYTHING here. Every.Single.Thing. Even the future financial stability is up to me and I am failing at it.

This morning when I woke up I realized exactly how keenly I've felt the loneliness of waking up alone. Sorry but waking up with a child that has snuck into your bed isn't the same thing. It isn't even so much the being alone when I sleep and wake but more like it's the stark reminder of how alone I am out here, how much I am responsible for, and exactly how unable I am to unburden myself or let go.

Just keep pushing the feelings down and eventually you stop feeling things....right?

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Partings

My husband left at dawn this morning to return to Colorado. So far we have been living apart 8 months now and in that time I have seen him twice. It is really is very taxing to have two separate households, especially when the separation isn't due to martial problems just the way life is dealing you blows.

The whole thing is bittersweet. We have spent maybe 10 whole days together since December 6, 2016. Each time we see each other every minute is spent trying to reconnect, learn each others new habits, and try to find something familiar in the other person so we can continue our fight to move to the same home.

Yet every time we have to say goodbye it feels as though I am cutting off a piece of myself. The more I have to chop off the closer I get to coming to the point where the pieces start to become critical, to killing my inner me. Think about it, if I was to literally have to remove flesh and blood pieces of me eventually I would die. It has the same basic feeling of desperation and hopelessness; as if you want to fight but you know that it will just leave you smaller. Partings chip away at your very essence, your very soul, when you have to part so frequently from your love. I guess I feel like I am getting to the point where there will be nothing left of me that he will know. Every time we see each other it's more awkward and strange. I guess I should worry more if saying goodbye becomes too easy.

Yes, military spouses do this all the time. I am not a milspouse nor do I have milspouse support group to assist me. I am grateful for the friends I do have here that do their best to keep me sane. I wouldn't have made it this far without them.

Now we are facing tough financial issues. I am trying to find a job but at the same time having to rely on my mentally ill older son to help with his younger siblings so I can work is causing me to panic. However, the thought of not having food, electricity or even Christmas presents is also making me panic. We can no longer fund two separate living spaces on one income. I have been out of the workforce a long time and I know it will be hard to find someone willing to hire me. I wish I could work from home but I don't have a functioning computer and I don't have a college degree so companies that do allow that are out of my reach.

I am tired of hearing things like "You're a strong woman. This is easy for you." NO.IT.IS.NOT! And frankly, I am not nearly as strong as you think I am. I am just really good at putting up a front.