Motoring on

Well, my oldest son moved out last week and he is thrilled to have his own space. I am excited for him and I am proud he has finally achieved this milestone in life.

I am doing okay myself. Not great, I have noticed I suffer from a crushing loneliness at times. Not because my son moved out, I still have two more kids here, but because it's hard to be alone. Yes I have a boyfriend that I see on the weekends. He's wonderful and keeps me grounded but the week can be hard to get through.

I have a ton of things I could be doing around here to reorganize and redo my home but I am having trouble finding the motivation when I am alone. When my boyfriend is here it;s hard to get anything serious done, like cleaning, because I want to spend time with him. I need to find some sort of balance in my life. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep, and work. I need a vacation.

Sweet Spring

It is a fantastically stunning day today in my corner of Ohio. Too bad the state lock down because of the virus is in effect so it's hard to truly enjoy it.

My house is a Defcon 4 disaster so not too bad but not where I want it. My oldest son is moving out so things are in an even bigger disarray.

I ended up getting a 2 week, unpaid vacation because I got sick. Due to the nature of my job, the doctor refused to let me go to work. Did I get anything done here? Not really. I am too stressed about missing a whole paycheck.

Life is good though overall. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being that somehow manages to put up with my shit and makes me feel cared for despite myself. The little ones are doing great and my oldest girl is getting married this year. My second oldest just moved into a better and cheaper apartment and she loves her job. Things could only be better if my house was back the way I want it.

Chaos of mind brought chaos of living space and while it's okay.....it's not the way it used to be so I need to slowly purge and fix it. I did my 13 year old's room and he will be getting a new bed, upgrade to a double. He's ready to ditch the twin.

My boyfriend has plans for my year so it'll look pretty and cared for again. I gave him leave to do whatever he wants. I don't care what gets pulled out except the tree and the lilacs. The rest can go. Yes, even the roses.

I still have hard and dark days but they are fewer and far between. I am getting through the pain, self loathing, and anger I have felt for over 3 years. The way I was showed to look at myself, I am learning isn't correct. I am worthy, I am amazing, I am strong, and sure, I need a tune up but I am still desirable in my way.

Life is weird

My life is weird would probably be more specific. If you have told me a year ago that my husband was going to leave me for a girl the same age as our daughters I would have told you that you were crazy....yet here I am. I could not have imagined my life being as weird as it is right now. I am getting over my loss. The wound is still there, festering and bleeding but deep wounds take a long time to heal. In fact, they heal better, without scars, if they are irritated now and again rather than getting covered with a scab and letting an infection fester beneath.

My older son found a place he wants to move into so I hope he gets it. My life can move forward once I know he's safe and settled. The things we do for our progeny...the sacrifices we make. They tend to go unrecognized until the day we die then memories and hindsight come flooding back for those we left behind.

My oldest daughter is getting married. This will be a strange event for me. I don't feel old enough to have a married kid and both her father and my ex-husband will be there. Sooooooooooooo awkward!

I am getting back into embroidery but gaming has gone by the wayside a bit. Nothing out there has grabbed me, so to speak. My meds are okay though not perfect. Got to love the fact that psychiatric medications are still considered experimental. I dream less,I think. Which is a good thing.

I have a wonderful man by my side. He is supportive and does not comment on things like my body. He cares for me just as I am and any way I might be. It is refreshing. I can say whatever I am thinking and I no longer fear being judged or misunderstood. He will ask questions if he needs an explanation rather than jumping to the worst possible conclusion right off the bat. I no longer fear expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I am doing well and taking life by the horns, as it were. I need to be me.