The Best Word

Today I fell in love with a simple word....we. If someone would have told me that 'we' was the best word in the English language, up until today I would have disagreed. However, this little word made my heart light up with joy today. We. This minuscule word carries unexpected weight in a relationship. We. It has so many meanings and implications.

We are a team. We have a life together. I see you as a part of me. I can't imagine doing anything without you. I want to support you. We. We is a word of love.

Today I fell in love with 'we'.

Therapy, Weddings, and Other Things

Today I had another therapy appointment and it is helping me to come to grips with my husband leaving me, me feeling worthless and useless, and finding some peace learning that I am still important even if he didn't think so. I like my therapist a lot and I recommend therapy to anyone that needs help finding their balance so to speak. She also emphasized that I set my boundaries and for me to not be afraid to say I can't handle something. I don't have to be nice and take the hits to keep the peace and I am allowed to say leave me alone.

Today we touched on dating after a marriage ends. I told her about Dave and shockingly she thought it was a fantastic idea and situation. I thought for sure I'd get the usual lecture about healing, taking time to be alone, etc. However, she said if I was ready to get back on the horse than I should go riding. Of course I laughed like a 12 year old at that statement.

The Dave situation seems to be going well. It's all still a little confusing and I am still coming to grips with my feelings of remorse, self-loathing, and regret. He seems to really want to be in it for the long haul so with his support it'll get better. The little ones adore him and he adores them too. SO all in all, it's a good thing.

My oldest daughter is getting married next September. I am not sure what's going to happen. DO I get a plus one and bring Dave? Is the ex going to bring his little girl girlfriend? I am going to have to see both my exes at this wedding and I really want someone there on my side, so I hope Dave comes.

My oldest son is getting ready to move out. I am thrilled he is well enough. Unfortunately, I am not moving to Colorado now so it's a little anti-climatic for me but I couldn't be happier for him. I hope it all works out and he doesn't need to come home. I want him well enough to be independent.

Real Bodies

I was in a Discord chatroom and the discussion of what we wear at home in front of our children came up. People were actually surprised that I will walk around my house in my undies, t-shirt, and no bra. I have 2 sons, 21 and 13, and a 9 year old daughter still living at home.

You know what? I have no regrets dressing this way in front of them. Want to know why? They all know what most women really look like. The cellulite, the rolls, the flab, the muscles, the sag, the imperfections that 90% of women have. Rather than only seeing the airbrushed photos of models with seemingly perfect figures, they get to see what the woman they love and respect looks like. Hopefully this will translate into them loving their own flaws and the flaws of the people they fall in love with. It's the person that matters, not the shell they walk around in. I am showing them confidence as well. If i can defiantly walk around in booty short undies and have no fucks to give, maybe they will be confident in themselves as well.

Love thyself.

A week later....

It's been a week since my last post and my "coming out" as a psych patient....and it's been odd.

I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.

My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."

Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.

My name is Carly and I have a mental illness

It has been a while but I have been busy having what would amount to a nervous breakdown.

So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.

So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship.  I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.

Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me.  His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.

Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.

Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.

I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.

Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.

I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.

Growing Up is Hard

This week or so has been very tough for me. I have come to realizations about myself that I hadn't considered before. I am still bi so don't get excited. I generally felt like I was defective or that something was wrong with me. Now that I have been on my own for a couple years, I have had a ton of time to myself to think things over. It was brought to my attention in the past but I ignored it as error on the part of the observer. Yes I know this sounds pretty cryptic but I am not ready to openly talk about it yet, as it were.

Needless to say, facing these changes and self introspection has lit my anxiety up like a damned Christmas tree. I am also abnormally nervous and under a ton of stress. Basically, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or maybe scream. It's a horrible feeling. I am hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I am literally pinning my future on it. If the changes being made fail, life as I know will irreparably change and it will be filled with pain and heartache. If it works out, there will be a happiness I have been missing and that will be wonderful for my husband and kids as well.

I just wish I wasn't blindly slogging through things....

Distance Can Be a Good Thing

So as many of you know, my husband works and lives in Denver while I work and live in NE Ohio with out kids. It isn't an ideal situation but it is what we must do at the moment, so we have adapted. It's been a little over 2 years since he went to Denver. We had not planned on being apart this long and yes, it has created strain and tension in the marriage at times. Namely, he has more freedom than I do since I have the kids and the house to deal with. He just goes to work and then has weekends to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. If I want to do something there has to be arrangements, babysitters, time off (I work every other weekend)....you get the idea. Normally, I just skip it all and stay home. That means for the past 2 years I have pretty much isolated myself from life in general because it is just too damn hard to arrange things most of the time.

Well, I have begun to grow tired of always spending my days off cleaning the house and sitting around so I made a decision to get back into the world. I swear I have been hibernating since he left. I am slowly getting back into living but this time, I am trying to live more for myself and less for everyone else. I have trips planned and events to go to. It is time for me to be a little selfish, frankly it is long overdue.

I decided to explain this to my husband; explain that I wasn't going to spend all my time alone sitting in the house waiting to clean something or for him to call. I wanted to have a life. He took it pretty well and was very supportive of the idea. He thought it was wonderful that I wanted to get out and do things. We talked for hours about things that had been on our minds and you know what, I had never felt closer to him than I did then. Honestly, we hadn't talked like that since we first got married.

Distance is truly tough but sometimes it can be a boon in disguise.

Conversations with Friends

**I should preface this post with a little information: I have never felt that monogamy works for everyone. Statistics on divorce supports this. I adore conversations that make me think about alternative narratives of life. I have always been a odd duck so to speak and have very unique opinions on life and relationships. I also have never viewed any loving relationship as bad. I do not believe there is only one person, one soulmate, out there for everyone. Most of the world would be single because the chance of meeting that one person would be astronomical. I truly do believe it is possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. What has been wrong is how society and religion has pigeonholed everyone into the single idea that the only right relationship is a lifetime marriage of one man and one woman. Humans are far more interesting than that and our capacity to love is far more infinite**

always wonderful to have a good friend. That person that knows just how to entertain you or what you need. Last night my friend called me and we had the most fascinating conversation. Now this might not seem all that great to some people but I have a love of all things anthropological, which might seem odd since I generally find people awful but there is a difference between understanding how people work and having to deal with people. I prefer the former.

Now I am not very good at being an "off-the-cuff" speaker most of the time. I like to choose my words and thoughts very carefully. I am very precise about expressing myself as a general rule, so philosophical ramblings, "what if" tangents, and talking about deeper myself are not easy conversations for me. I like to chew on things for a long time, review, and edited to make sure I am expressing my thoughts and opinions in the clearest way possible. It's why I prefer writing things down.

I was presented with a "what if" idea to mull over after a conversation regarding people and the variety of alternative relationships/lifestyles that are out there. Now I am, admittedly, in a very unique relationship right now with my husband living in a different state, so this was all very interesting to me. I have close friends and acquaintances in "alternative" relationships like polyamory or friends that have differing sexual orientations like gay, pansexual, etc.

Well, we stuck to the idea of polyamory for most of the conversation and I was presented with the "what if" - What if you or your husband met someone you cared about and wanted to keep with you openly, what would be done and how do you think you'd each react? Now this was presented in part because of the way we have been living our lives completely apart except for small visits, phone calls, and gaming online. So I suppose the possibility of one of us meeting someone new isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, if looked at logically.

In fact, I have an acquaintance that just went through something similar in recent years. Granted, they weren't living apart but he found someone else he cared for just as much as his wife and now they live a polyamory lifestyle. Now I find this very interesting because there are kids involved and there are four people involved, he and the new love were both married. I wish I knew them better because I have so many questions; how do you explain it to children, how did you present it to your spouses, how did they take it originally, how do you seemingly make it work so well? So many questions. My curiosity gets the better of me sometimes.

Anyway, this whole thing got me to thinking...what would happen? My husband and I are very different people in many ways including mindsets. While we are also very similar. We are both easygoing, caring, open-minded people but he is far more traditional in many ways than I am. I would like to thank my friend for keeping me up until 4-4:30am thinking about this. Never give me an interesting "what if" to ponder late at night. My brain can't let it go. LOL

Personally, after some serious thought, I'd welcome the addition if there was true caring involved. I'd be excited that my husband met someone he cared for as much as he cared for me. I would embrace the idea. However, this is where I think we'd differ. He's very traditional when it comes to his own relationships so I think he'd be offended, angry, and threatened. I can just visualize the anger now. It's weird how different people in a string relationship can be. Now I could be wrong and he would surprise me by being into the idea but I doubt it. I've been married to this man for 25 years and he's only surprised me twice, both recently but still it's only twice. I can read him like a book.

tl;dr Last night I was presented with the idea of my marriage being less than traditional in various settings and it kept me awake because I am a geek about human behavior.

Still Lost In Thought

Tonight I am sitting here and thinking about what I contribute to the lives of the people around me. Am I making a good impact or am I not? What are they gaining by allowing me to be a part of their lives? It might seem strange to some that I actively do this but I find it helpful. It keeps me honest with myself and helps me to try to be the best person I can be. I am not perfect so I am sure there are times I am less than wonderful but, I do try.

I am finding that after being on my own for over 2 years, I have grown less patient. I tire quickly of things that annoy me and so many things annoy me now; more than than before. I am also becoming far too independent and far too cold. I have come to the end of the fucks I have to give. My bag of fucks is nearly empty so I choose what I give a fuck about more carefully. It is hard to have a warm, soft heart and gentle soul when the weight of the world (family) rests on your shoulders alone. Heavy loads weigh a person down, ages them, makes them more selfish, emotionless, and often times it makes a person break. I haven't broken yet but I am definitely fraying around the edges a bit. Hopefully it'll make me look well loved like an old blanket and not torn up like a rag. 

There's another issue, love. I don't think people realize what a luxury love is. It takes a ton of energy to love, it takes a lot of time to love, and it certainly takes a lot of attention. None of these things are things I have time for anymore. I find that I am getting rather hardhearted in a way. I don't want to be like that so I am trying to be more aware of it. I am paying attention to it and trying to nurture that kinder side of me. It ain't easy though. Thus I question myself and motives almost daily. I have to. 

Things with my son are up and down. Good and bad times come in waves. Not small waves but tsunami like waves, waves that overtake everything. The good days are great and I cherish each one. The bad days are full of stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, and heartache, I see a light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long. I just want him to have a life that is some sort of normal for him. One that allows him to be his kind of happy and independent. I know that's what he wants too. He feels guilty that I am still in Ohio because "it's all his fault" but in reality, it isn't. Sure he's the reason I am not in a rush because what mother would be able to walk away from her child that is in need, but there are other things keeping me here as well. It's hard to move away from three of your kids, separate siblings, and leave a place that has been home for so many years. Plus I might not have a big circle of friends but the ones I do have, I cherish and love. It's all rather heartbreaking, if I am honest. 

I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid or hold things inside because I fear burdening others with everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I do it to protect others as well as myself. Then there are just somethings that are better of unsaid because expressing them can cause someone pain. 

Enough rambling, I need to get a game controller in my hand or start doing needlework again to ease my brain. I spend too much time alone so I think too much. 

Finally Got A Laptop

My laptop died a little over a year ago and thanks to a wonderful friend, I have a lovely serviceable laptop again. Anyhoo, on to other things.

I am now on back issue #3 so that has given me some time to think and question myself. Possibly too much time but it is what it is. It has also been a little over 2 years since my husband moved to Colorado to work. Trying to balance our separate lives and our lives together, namely our marriage, has been quite the example of dexterity. Somehow we are making it work. Probably because we know we have separate lives and neither of us tries to insert ourselves in the other's life through jealousy, anger, or resentment. The feelings might be there but we keep it to ourselves, I guess.

I recently made the statement that people come into our lives for a reason and a friend of mine stated he did not like that idea because it gives the impression that we do not control our lives; that everything is already predetermined. He is right, I guess it does though I did not mean it that way. I had a lovely weekend with this friend. We spent it in Cleveland and I have not enjoyed myself like that, total relaxation, in a very long time. Back to reality today though. I had to have an EMG and I started yet another round of physical therapy so my brain had a lot of time to wander. Neither event kept my brain busy enough to keep it from looking inward.

When I say that people come into our lives for a reason, I really mean that we surround ourselves with certain people for a reason. We are the ones that choose, either consciously or unconsciously, those that we want around us. Maybe the role they fill is pretty obvious or basic; like you have this one for comfort when you need it or this one for intimacy or maybe this one to just get wild with when you need to blow off steam. Sometimes the reasons are far more subtle and intangible. Take a look at the people you choose to spend time with or talk to; why did you pick them in particular? This is a question I have been asking myself all day.

Of course the bigger question is why am I asking myself this? Mostly because I want to be sure I have people around me for the right reasons, not out of fear for myself but out of worry for them. Being on my own with the kids has been hard and maybe it's because of the life I have had but I worry that I could be perceived as using or taking from them. I never want to be a drain on anyone I care about but I also do not want to be the source of their pain.

My life has become increasingly complicated and isolating, and I do not want that to spill over to others. No one deserves that kind of hurt and I am the only person that should be cleaning up my messes. I just need to get my head back in the game so to speak.