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Thursday, June 8, 2017

Chaos Reigns Supreme

Summer vacation is here and the kids are out of school. This means loads of bickering and whining mixed with "I'm hungry" and "It's my turn."  It also means I get deal with a mentally ill teenager mixed with small children all day long.

My husband visited recently; the first time I had seen him in 6 months. You'd expect after being apart for that long seeing each other would be like the end of some romance movie. Well so did I. However, you and I were both wrong. It was awkward and strange. I had no idea how to greet him, approach him, to him. The week was filled with things he wanted/needed to do with little time for me. We barely even hugged while he was here. It cemented the fact that once we are in the same house together again, it will be as if we are starting our relationship all over again.

We fought. I was irritated he wouldn't spare me a few moments alone just to talk and he figured if he couldn't take me out then being alone wasn't important. He was so very wrong. I was left hurting because it felt like I wasn't important to him any longer. He had a new life, with new people, and I wasn't really a part of it. I was just something he kept around for nostalgia's sake.

It wasn't all doom and horror. The kids, all 5 of them, were thrilled to see their father again. It was wonderful having my entire family under one roof, laughing and joking around. Of course it also meant tons of cooking and cleaning for me but it was worth it to have us all in one place even for a brief moment.

There is a small part of me that wishes he hadn't come home. There I said it. Now it's out there. While it was great having him here, for the most part, it made his leaving again even harder. Having someone in bed my at night made my bed that much more empty and lonely when he left. Imagine if you will someone made you your favorite meal, your favorite in the whole world, gave you a bite and then took it away never telling you when you could have another. My life experience has become a series of bites; a nibble here and a nibble there hoping it will add up to an entire meal eventually.

They say communication is a the key to a great marriage and in many ways they are correct. That being said, communication is difficult with a 2 hour time difference and 2 people leading very different lives. When he got here, I had no idea how to talk to him. We don't speak much when he's away. At least nothing more in depth than the surface stuff. You know the stuff....how were the kids today? How's your back? What's the weather like? That kind of thing. He doesn't want to hear what is really going on with me because it's unpleasant. He'd rather keep things pleasant because it makes it easier for him to be away. I get it. I understand it. It's normal. It's also normal for me to want to share the trials and tribulations of things here. That just isn't possible so communication is at a minimum with us and it's better that way I suppose. He isn't depressed about things here and that is best. He's out there without us and I know it's hard on him.

It's funny though how I can say I have no privacy and have it be really true. Today I tried to take a short nap. I was extra exhausted and couldn't keep my eye open. within 45 minutes 3 of my kids barged into my room 4 times to ask me something or tell me something. Seriously, not even a knock. It's like they could sense I was trying to sneak in an hour of sleep and they couldn't allow it.

Day to day tasks are fairly mundane, not much happens here. The kids and I talk, watch movies, or whatever. Hopefully I can find the will to stitch again soon. It used to be my mediation but with so many distractions, I haven't been able to do it. Let me give you an example: my favorite couple had come over and we decided to watch Beauty and the Beast. The kids, the youngest especially, just couldn't let me sit and watch a movie without interruption.

Right now I am trying to plan a small escape for myself and my sanity. I just want to go to a hotel room and do whatever I want, watch whatever I want, cry if I feel like it, without interruption. Hopefully I can get the funds to do that sooner rather than later.

I am still feeling very raw and the past couple of days have been punctuated with a few tears here and there. I always manage to pull myself together before much more than 1 or 2 has left my eyes. I can't show weakness. I can't show fear. I cannot show sadness. Everything I show, my kids pick up on and I can't have a bunch of little ones what rely on me solely worrying that I am losing my nerve. No one wants to follow a frightened leader into battle and I need these kids to follow me. So I screw my emotions to that sticking place, shake it off, and plow ahead. It's isolating as Hell but what choice do I really have?


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