Motoring on

Well, my oldest son moved out last week and he is thrilled to have his own space. I am excited for him and I am proud he has finally achieved this milestone in life.

I am doing okay myself. Not great, I have noticed I suffer from a crushing loneliness at times. Not because my son moved out, I still have two more kids here, but because it's hard to be alone. Yes I have a boyfriend that I see on the weekends. He's wonderful and keeps me grounded but the week can be hard to get through.

I have a ton of things I could be doing around here to reorganize and redo my home but I am having trouble finding the motivation when I am alone. When my boyfriend is here it;s hard to get anything serious done, like cleaning, because I want to spend time with him. I need to find some sort of balance in my life. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep, and work. I need a vacation.

Sweet Spring

It is a fantastically stunning day today in my corner of Ohio. Too bad the state lock down because of the virus is in effect so it's hard to truly enjoy it.

My house is a Defcon 4 disaster so not too bad but not where I want it. My oldest son is moving out so things are in an even bigger disarray.

I ended up getting a 2 week, unpaid vacation because I got sick. Due to the nature of my job, the doctor refused to let me go to work. Did I get anything done here? Not really. I am too stressed about missing a whole paycheck.

Life is good though overall. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being that somehow manages to put up with my shit and makes me feel cared for despite myself. The little ones are doing great and my oldest girl is getting married this year. My second oldest just moved into a better and cheaper apartment and she loves her job. Things could only be better if my house was back the way I want it.

Chaos of mind brought chaos of living space and while it's okay.....it's not the way it used to be so I need to slowly purge and fix it. I did my 13 year old's room and he will be getting a new bed, upgrade to a double. He's ready to ditch the twin.

My boyfriend has plans for my year so it'll look pretty and cared for again. I gave him leave to do whatever he wants. I don't care what gets pulled out except the tree and the lilacs. The rest can go. Yes, even the roses.

I still have hard and dark days but they are fewer and far between. I am getting through the pain, self loathing, and anger I have felt for over 3 years. The way I was showed to look at myself, I am learning isn't correct. I am worthy, I am amazing, I am strong, and sure, I need a tune up but I am still desirable in my way.

Life is weird

My life is weird would probably be more specific. If you have told me a year ago that my husband was going to leave me for a girl the same age as our daughters I would have told you that you were crazy....yet here I am. I could not have imagined my life being as weird as it is right now. I am getting over my loss. The wound is still there, festering and bleeding but deep wounds take a long time to heal. In fact, they heal better, without scars, if they are irritated now and again rather than getting covered with a scab and letting an infection fester beneath.

My older son found a place he wants to move into so I hope he gets it. My life can move forward once I know he's safe and settled. The things we do for our progeny...the sacrifices we make. They tend to go unrecognized until the day we die then memories and hindsight come flooding back for those we left behind.

My oldest daughter is getting married. This will be a strange event for me. I don't feel old enough to have a married kid and both her father and my ex-husband will be there. Sooooooooooooo awkward!

I am getting back into embroidery but gaming has gone by the wayside a bit. Nothing out there has grabbed me, so to speak. My meds are okay though not perfect. Got to love the fact that psychiatric medications are still considered experimental. I dream less,I think. Which is a good thing.

I have a wonderful man by my side. He is supportive and does not comment on things like my body. He cares for me just as I am and any way I might be. It is refreshing. I can say whatever I am thinking and I no longer fear being judged or misunderstood. He will ask questions if he needs an explanation rather than jumping to the worst possible conclusion right off the bat. I no longer fear expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I am doing well and taking life by the horns, as it were. I need to be me.

The Best Word

Today I fell in love with a simple word....we. If someone would have told me that 'we' was the best word in the English language, up until today I would have disagreed. However, this little word made my heart light up with joy today. We. This minuscule word carries unexpected weight in a relationship. We. It has so many meanings and implications.

We are a team. We have a life together. I see you as a part of me. I can't imagine doing anything without you. I want to support you. We. We is a word of love.

Today I fell in love with 'we'.

Therapy, Weddings, and Other Things

Today I had another therapy appointment and it is helping me to come to grips with my husband leaving me, me feeling worthless and useless, and finding some peace learning that I am still important even if he didn't think so. I like my therapist a lot and I recommend therapy to anyone that needs help finding their balance so to speak. She also emphasized that I set my boundaries and for me to not be afraid to say I can't handle something. I don't have to be nice and take the hits to keep the peace and I am allowed to say leave me alone.

Today we touched on dating after a marriage ends. I told her about Dave and shockingly she thought it was a fantastic idea and situation. I thought for sure I'd get the usual lecture about healing, taking time to be alone, etc. However, she said if I was ready to get back on the horse than I should go riding. Of course I laughed like a 12 year old at that statement.

The Dave situation seems to be going well. It's all still a little confusing and I am still coming to grips with my feelings of remorse, self-loathing, and regret. He seems to really want to be in it for the long haul so with his support it'll get better. The little ones adore him and he adores them too. SO all in all, it's a good thing.

My oldest daughter is getting married next September. I am not sure what's going to happen. DO I get a plus one and bring Dave? Is the ex going to bring his little girl girlfriend? I am going to have to see both my exes at this wedding and I really want someone there on my side, so I hope Dave comes.

My oldest son is getting ready to move out. I am thrilled he is well enough. Unfortunately, I am not moving to Colorado now so it's a little anti-climatic for me but I couldn't be happier for him. I hope it all works out and he doesn't need to come home. I want him well enough to be independent.

Real Bodies

I was in a Discord chatroom and the discussion of what we wear at home in front of our children came up. People were actually surprised that I will walk around my house in my undies, t-shirt, and no bra. I have 2 sons, 21 and 13, and a 9 year old daughter still living at home.

You know what? I have no regrets dressing this way in front of them. Want to know why? They all know what most women really look like. The cellulite, the rolls, the flab, the muscles, the sag, the imperfections that 90% of women have. Rather than only seeing the airbrushed photos of models with seemingly perfect figures, they get to see what the woman they love and respect looks like. Hopefully this will translate into them loving their own flaws and the flaws of the people they fall in love with. It's the person that matters, not the shell they walk around in. I am showing them confidence as well. If i can defiantly walk around in booty short undies and have no fucks to give, maybe they will be confident in themselves as well.

Love thyself.

A week later....

It's been a week since my last post and my "coming out" as a psych patient....and it's been odd.

I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.

My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."

Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.

My name is Carly and I have a mental illness

It has been a while but I have been busy having what would amount to a nervous breakdown.

So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.

So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship.  I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.

Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me.  His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.

Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.

Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.

I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.

Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.

I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.

Growing Up is Hard

This week or so has been very tough for me. I have come to realizations about myself that I hadn't considered before. I am still bi so don't get excited. I generally felt like I was defective or that something was wrong with me. Now that I have been on my own for a couple years, I have had a ton of time to myself to think things over. It was brought to my attention in the past but I ignored it as error on the part of the observer. Yes I know this sounds pretty cryptic but I am not ready to openly talk about it yet, as it were.

Needless to say, facing these changes and self introspection has lit my anxiety up like a damned Christmas tree. I am also abnormally nervous and under a ton of stress. Basically, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or maybe scream. It's a horrible feeling. I am hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I am literally pinning my future on it. If the changes being made fail, life as I know will irreparably change and it will be filled with pain and heartache. If it works out, there will be a happiness I have been missing and that will be wonderful for my husband and kids as well.

I just wish I wasn't blindly slogging through things....

Distance Can Be a Good Thing

So as many of you know, my husband works and lives in Denver while I work and live in NE Ohio with out kids. It isn't an ideal situation but it is what we must do at the moment, so we have adapted. It's been a little over 2 years since he went to Denver. We had not planned on being apart this long and yes, it has created strain and tension in the marriage at times. Namely, he has more freedom than I do since I have the kids and the house to deal with. He just goes to work and then has weekends to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. If I want to do something there has to be arrangements, babysitters, time off (I work every other weekend)....you get the idea. Normally, I just skip it all and stay home. That means for the past 2 years I have pretty much isolated myself from life in general because it is just too damn hard to arrange things most of the time.

Well, I have begun to grow tired of always spending my days off cleaning the house and sitting around so I made a decision to get back into the world. I swear I have been hibernating since he left. I am slowly getting back into living but this time, I am trying to live more for myself and less for everyone else. I have trips planned and events to go to. It is time for me to be a little selfish, frankly it is long overdue.

I decided to explain this to my husband; explain that I wasn't going to spend all my time alone sitting in the house waiting to clean something or for him to call. I wanted to have a life. He took it pretty well and was very supportive of the idea. He thought it was wonderful that I wanted to get out and do things. We talked for hours about things that had been on our minds and you know what, I had never felt closer to him than I did then. Honestly, we hadn't talked like that since we first got married.

Distance is truly tough but sometimes it can be a boon in disguise.

Conversations with Friends

**I should preface this post with a little information: I have never felt that monogamy works for everyone. Statistics on divorce supports this. I adore conversations that make me think about alternative narratives of life. I have always been a odd duck so to speak and have very unique opinions on life and relationships. I also have never viewed any loving relationship as bad. I do not believe there is only one person, one soulmate, out there for everyone. Most of the world would be single because the chance of meeting that one person would be astronomical. I truly do believe it is possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. What has been wrong is how society and religion has pigeonholed everyone into the single idea that the only right relationship is a lifetime marriage of one man and one woman. Humans are far more interesting than that and our capacity to love is far more infinite**

always wonderful to have a good friend. That person that knows just how to entertain you or what you need. Last night my friend called me and we had the most fascinating conversation. Now this might not seem all that great to some people but I have a love of all things anthropological, which might seem odd since I generally find people awful but there is a difference between understanding how people work and having to deal with people. I prefer the former.

Now I am not very good at being an "off-the-cuff" speaker most of the time. I like to choose my words and thoughts very carefully. I am very precise about expressing myself as a general rule, so philosophical ramblings, "what if" tangents, and talking about deeper myself are not easy conversations for me. I like to chew on things for a long time, review, and edited to make sure I am expressing my thoughts and opinions in the clearest way possible. It's why I prefer writing things down.

I was presented with a "what if" idea to mull over after a conversation regarding people and the variety of alternative relationships/lifestyles that are out there. Now I am, admittedly, in a very unique relationship right now with my husband living in a different state, so this was all very interesting to me. I have close friends and acquaintances in "alternative" relationships like polyamory or friends that have differing sexual orientations like gay, pansexual, etc.

Well, we stuck to the idea of polyamory for most of the conversation and I was presented with the "what if" - What if you or your husband met someone you cared about and wanted to keep with you openly, what would be done and how do you think you'd each react? Now this was presented in part because of the way we have been living our lives completely apart except for small visits, phone calls, and gaming online. So I suppose the possibility of one of us meeting someone new isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, if looked at logically.

In fact, I have an acquaintance that just went through something similar in recent years. Granted, they weren't living apart but he found someone else he cared for just as much as his wife and now they live a polyamory lifestyle. Now I find this very interesting because there are kids involved and there are four people involved, he and the new love were both married. I wish I knew them better because I have so many questions; how do you explain it to children, how did you present it to your spouses, how did they take it originally, how do you seemingly make it work so well? So many questions. My curiosity gets the better of me sometimes.

Anyway, this whole thing got me to thinking...what would happen? My husband and I are very different people in many ways including mindsets. While we are also very similar. We are both easygoing, caring, open-minded people but he is far more traditional in many ways than I am. I would like to thank my friend for keeping me up until 4-4:30am thinking about this. Never give me an interesting "what if" to ponder late at night. My brain can't let it go. LOL

Personally, after some serious thought, I'd welcome the addition if there was true caring involved. I'd be excited that my husband met someone he cared for as much as he cared for me. I would embrace the idea. However, this is where I think we'd differ. He's very traditional when it comes to his own relationships so I think he'd be offended, angry, and threatened. I can just visualize the anger now. It's weird how different people in a string relationship can be. Now I could be wrong and he would surprise me by being into the idea but I doubt it. I've been married to this man for 25 years and he's only surprised me twice, both recently but still it's only twice. I can read him like a book.

tl;dr Last night I was presented with the idea of my marriage being less than traditional in various settings and it kept me awake because I am a geek about human behavior.

Still Lost In Thought

Tonight I am sitting here and thinking about what I contribute to the lives of the people around me. Am I making a good impact or am I not? What are they gaining by allowing me to be a part of their lives? It might seem strange to some that I actively do this but I find it helpful. It keeps me honest with myself and helps me to try to be the best person I can be. I am not perfect so I am sure there are times I am less than wonderful but, I do try.

I am finding that after being on my own for over 2 years, I have grown less patient. I tire quickly of things that annoy me and so many things annoy me now; more than than before. I am also becoming far too independent and far too cold. I have come to the end of the fucks I have to give. My bag of fucks is nearly empty so I choose what I give a fuck about more carefully. It is hard to have a warm, soft heart and gentle soul when the weight of the world (family) rests on your shoulders alone. Heavy loads weigh a person down, ages them, makes them more selfish, emotionless, and often times it makes a person break. I haven't broken yet but I am definitely fraying around the edges a bit. Hopefully it'll make me look well loved like an old blanket and not torn up like a rag. 

There's another issue, love. I don't think people realize what a luxury love is. It takes a ton of energy to love, it takes a lot of time to love, and it certainly takes a lot of attention. None of these things are things I have time for anymore. I find that I am getting rather hardhearted in a way. I don't want to be like that so I am trying to be more aware of it. I am paying attention to it and trying to nurture that kinder side of me. It ain't easy though. Thus I question myself and motives almost daily. I have to. 

Things with my son are up and down. Good and bad times come in waves. Not small waves but tsunami like waves, waves that overtake everything. The good days are great and I cherish each one. The bad days are full of stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, and heartache, I see a light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long. I just want him to have a life that is some sort of normal for him. One that allows him to be his kind of happy and independent. I know that's what he wants too. He feels guilty that I am still in Ohio because "it's all his fault" but in reality, it isn't. Sure he's the reason I am not in a rush because what mother would be able to walk away from her child that is in need, but there are other things keeping me here as well. It's hard to move away from three of your kids, separate siblings, and leave a place that has been home for so many years. Plus I might not have a big circle of friends but the ones I do have, I cherish and love. It's all rather heartbreaking, if I am honest. 

I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid or hold things inside because I fear burdening others with everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I do it to protect others as well as myself. Then there are just somethings that are better of unsaid because expressing them can cause someone pain. 

Enough rambling, I need to get a game controller in my hand or start doing needlework again to ease my brain. I spend too much time alone so I think too much. 

Finally Got A Laptop

My laptop died a little over a year ago and thanks to a wonderful friend, I have a lovely serviceable laptop again. Anyhoo, on to other things.

I am now on back issue #3 so that has given me some time to think and question myself. Possibly too much time but it is what it is. It has also been a little over 2 years since my husband moved to Colorado to work. Trying to balance our separate lives and our lives together, namely our marriage, has been quite the example of dexterity. Somehow we are making it work. Probably because we know we have separate lives and neither of us tries to insert ourselves in the other's life through jealousy, anger, or resentment. The feelings might be there but we keep it to ourselves, I guess.

I recently made the statement that people come into our lives for a reason and a friend of mine stated he did not like that idea because it gives the impression that we do not control our lives; that everything is already predetermined. He is right, I guess it does though I did not mean it that way. I had a lovely weekend with this friend. We spent it in Cleveland and I have not enjoyed myself like that, total relaxation, in a very long time. Back to reality today though. I had to have an EMG and I started yet another round of physical therapy so my brain had a lot of time to wander. Neither event kept my brain busy enough to keep it from looking inward.

When I say that people come into our lives for a reason, I really mean that we surround ourselves with certain people for a reason. We are the ones that choose, either consciously or unconsciously, those that we want around us. Maybe the role they fill is pretty obvious or basic; like you have this one for comfort when you need it or this one for intimacy or maybe this one to just get wild with when you need to blow off steam. Sometimes the reasons are far more subtle and intangible. Take a look at the people you choose to spend time with or talk to; why did you pick them in particular? This is a question I have been asking myself all day.

Of course the bigger question is why am I asking myself this? Mostly because I want to be sure I have people around me for the right reasons, not out of fear for myself but out of worry for them. Being on my own with the kids has been hard and maybe it's because of the life I have had but I worry that I could be perceived as using or taking from them. I never want to be a drain on anyone I care about but I also do not want to be the source of their pain.

My life has become increasingly complicated and isolating, and I do not want that to spill over to others. No one deserves that kind of hurt and I am the only person that should be cleaning up my messes. I just need to get my head back in the game so to speak.

Speed Bumps and Other Things....

School has started up again for the little ones. This means my evenings are full of homework, showers, and dinner. I have begun to work out again thanks to my best friend Shawn. We both need the motivation and while I am having to modify things because of my back issue, I am still coming out sore so I am definitely getting a workout.

My insurance comp-any has agreed to give me a new roof so now I am waiting for the check to arrive. Then I can meet with the roofer, pick a color, and see when they are coming out. It'll be a few days of noise but at least I won't have to worry. My van is acting up though and I am afraid to drive it at this point. Hopefully i can get it to the shop tomorrow.

My biggest worries now are making ends meet and Christmas. I keep putting in applications for jobs where I KNOW they are looking but I can't get a callback to save my life. I don't care what anyone says about having employment gaps being okay when you have a good reason like raising kids....it's bullshit. They look at the gaps and throw your shit in the trashcan. They don't care why they just know you haven't been working lately.

The stress has had an effect on me. I am not eating more than 1 meal a day, I am not sleeping well at night, and I always feel like if someone spoke the right word I'd probably collapse and cry. The weight of responsibility feels a bit overwhelming. I am solely responsible for EVERYTHING here. Every.Single.Thing. Even the future financial stability is up to me and I am failing at it.

This morning when I woke up I realized exactly how keenly I've felt the loneliness of waking up alone. Sorry but waking up with a child that has snuck into your bed isn't the same thing. It isn't even so much the being alone when I sleep and wake but more like it's the stark reminder of how alone I am out here, how much I am responsible for, and exactly how unable I am to unburden myself or let go.

Just keep pushing the feelings down and eventually you stop feeling things....right?

Partings

My husband left at dawn this morning to return to Colorado. So far we have been living apart 8 months now and in that time I have seen him twice. It is really is very taxing to have two separate households, especially when the separation isn't due to martial problems just the way life is dealing you blows.

The whole thing is bittersweet. We have spent maybe 10 whole days together since December 6, 2016. Each time we see each other every minute is spent trying to reconnect, learn each others new habits, and try to find something familiar in the other person so we can continue our fight to move to the same home.

Yet every time we have to say goodbye it feels as though I am cutting off a piece of myself. The more I have to chop off the closer I get to coming to the point where the pieces start to become critical, to killing my inner me. Think about it, if I was to literally have to remove flesh and blood pieces of me eventually I would die. It has the same basic feeling of desperation and hopelessness; as if you want to fight but you know that it will just leave you smaller. Partings chip away at your very essence, your very soul, when you have to part so frequently from your love. I guess I feel like I am getting to the point where there will be nothing left of me that he will know. Every time we see each other it's more awkward and strange. I guess I should worry more if saying goodbye becomes too easy.

Yes, military spouses do this all the time. I am not a milspouse nor do I have milspouse support group to assist me. I am grateful for the friends I do have here that do their best to keep me sane. I wouldn't have made it this far without them.

Now we are facing tough financial issues. I am trying to find a job but at the same time having to rely on my mentally ill older son to help with his younger siblings so I can work is causing me to panic. However, the thought of not having food, electricity or even Christmas presents is also making me panic. We can no longer fund two separate living spaces on one income. I have been out of the workforce a long time and I know it will be hard to find someone willing to hire me. I wish I could work from home but I don't have a functioning computer and I don't have a college degree so companies that do allow that are out of my reach.

I am tired of hearing things like "You're a strong woman. This is easy for you." NO.IT.IS.NOT! And frankly, I am not nearly as strong as you think I am. I am just really good at putting up a front.

Existential Crisis

I spent the weekend without the little ones. They went to my middle daughter's house for the weekend so I could get a break. The plans I had were postponed so I spent some time just hanging around.

I got asked a question this weekend that I wasn't sure how to answer at first. Now that I have had time to think about it, I realize there really isn't a simple answer. 

The question itself was simple enough."Who are you?" Now this was someone I didn't know well so logically I answered with my name. They clarified that they meant they wanted to know who I was as a person. I replied with a shoulder shrug and said I was just me.

Now that I have had a chance to ponder it.....

I am more hero than villain. I wear a white hat with a black band, my heart on my sleeve but encased in armor. I am the one you adore and the one you abhor. I am generous and selfish. I am the one you fear and I am the one you helplessly need to protect. I have endless strength and I am weak. I am the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and I am homely. I am a goddess and a demon. I am a queen and a peasant. I am kind and cruel. I am forgiving and a holder of grudges...I keep them close to my heart. I am the first one you'd call for a hand but the last one you'd want to call if you did something stupid. You'd probably call me anyway because I wouldn't let you down. I am reliable. I am loyal. I am sweet tempered but fear my wrath. I am self aware and completely clueless about myself. I am small of stature but large in wisdom. I make stupid choices. I am the person you hate to love but can't help it and I am the one you love to hate. I am everything to some and nothing to others. I am larger than life but will sit in a room unnoticed. I am serious and I am silly. I am helpless and self reliant. I am self confident and completely awkward. I am war and I am peace. I am a fierce warrior and I am a coward. I am simple and I am immensely complicated. I am emotional and my emotions are buttoned up. I am profound and I am a simpleton. I love fiercely and can hate just as much. I watch what I say and I use the word fuck without even thinking about it. I try to not offend and can give offense just as easily. I am perfectly flawed and flawlessly perfect. I am as straightforward and honest. I harbor secrets that I will keep hidden through deception or omission if need be. I am nimble and I am clumsy. I love being alone and I am lonely. I will make you proud and I will be a disappointment. 

I am me. I am human. 

Still Breathing

It's been a bit since I updated but my laptop died and I do not have the money to purchase a replacement yet so I write when I can borrow my daughter's.

So far things are good and bad with my son depending on how you look at it. He is more even keeled but he's still self harming but the self harm is reduced to cutting and not trying to bash his own skull in with a weight bar....but when he cuts it's pretty severe...but....it's not very often.....but he's not contemplating suicide....but he's still extremely anxious and obsesses. See? It's all about silver lining versus shit. It's all a matter of how you view things. *stress*

That being said, my hair is falling out most likely from stress. Good thing I have so much damn hair. I will need to start looking for a part time job once the kids start school because we just can't survive on one income for two households any longer. We did what we could for as long as we could but it's come to the end of our rope. This means relying on my son to help with the kids more. I am worried about that but am hoping it'll be low stress for him. His meds aren't worked out enough for anything high stressed and let's face it PTSD isn't something that can be controlled very easily. *Stress*

In the past week my husband got his car towed and it cost $320 to get it out and my son got a speeding ticket going to his sister's place...to the tune of $150. That really clamps down on the budget and makes things extra difficult. I have school supplies/clothes/shoes to buy for the little ones and my younger son's birthday is coming up too. Things are going to hurt financially this month for sure. *STRESS*

My mother has recently learned that being able to continue her work as a hospital floor nurse might not be possible so I have been dealing with her bullshit too. To the tune of defending my son for NOT being in college right now and telling her where she can go. *MORE STRESS*

Since I started writing this, people I know have come forward and told me about their struggles with their children's mental health issues. I am always reading op-ed articles about making mental health issues more out there and for people to quit hiding because there is not shame in it but you know what....not one talks about parenting a child with mental health issues. No one talks about how hard it is to deal with and the daily struggle that comes with not knowing whether or not it will be a good day or bad one with your child. The fear of going to bed because you have no idea whether or not your child will decide to end their life in the middle of the night. No one talks about it. There is still embarrassment and shamed associated with it. That needs to end too.

Today my stress level hit a new high. Between writing the check for the speeding ticket, learning about the impound fees, and defending my son, and his mental illness, to my mother...I had a good cry in the shower. It was either scream and scare the little ones or cry quietly. I chose the latter. There really isn't much lonelier than crying quietly in a shower then getting out, getting dressed, and acting like everything is perfectly fine.

Little by Little, Step by Step

My son was released from the psych ward at the hospital a couple days ago and so far everything is going well. He has new meds and finally a diagnosis. I'll keep that diagnosis to myself since it is rather personal. That being said, it's nice to see him a little brighter. He even has something to take for his anxiety and that is a a true gift. His anxiety was so crippling.

Right now I am trying to take life day by day. As much as I want to get my hopes up that these meds are the answer to his needs, I don't really trust it yet. I find myself asking him how he is doing multiple times a day and I am pretty sure that has got to be annoying to him. Today he left the house and went to a park with his friends. My son....left the house. That's huge. My BFF and his wife took the two little ones and me to an area wildlife park. Of course before we left I had to ask him if he was going to be okay alone. Leaving him home alone terrifies me still even though he is much better. I am so scared I'll come home to a body hanging out the third story window...you have no idea.

Of course now that some of the stress of his issues is starting to abate, I have noticed that I am a hot mess. I have anxiety now. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't have the energy to do day to day tasks, and I am just not me. I swear I spend my days spinning in circles. The worst though it at night when I am laying in bed. All the horrible thoughts that run through your brain as you relax sure can screw up one's ability to fall asleep. It would be wonderful to have another body to hold on to when those awful images invade my brain or the nightmares wake me from my sleep. Just someone to hold me, rub my head, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to chase the monsters away so to speak.

Step by step I need to gain some control over my life and myself. I guess I really need someone to take care of me for a change but since that is not an option, I need to deal with it myself. Time to square up my shoulders, look everything in the eye, and try to not crumble. I should probably be grateful my bed is queen sized and not king sized or bigger. That would make that empty space next to me that much more immense.

I am still in physical therapy for my back. I really just need to be done with it. I need to start doing normal exercise so I can get back into shape. I miss my old body. I miss being able to wear my clothes. I miss....shit, I miss a lot of things. Mostly I just miss me.

I Am But Made of Glass

I don't know why but that statement keeps coming to my lips, "I am but made of glass and if you touch I may shatter." I have no idea where it came from but it fits my feelings are the moment. I truly feel bitter and on the verge of breaking. I haven't been posting about things that were happening here because my computer died and I still haven't the funds to replace it.

Basically, my son hit another crisis and he met with the new psychiatrist....that new meeting did not go well. He was too dismissive with my son and wouldn't actually listen to him. My son left his office within 30 minutes worse than when he walked in. It was so horrendous that within 4 hours after that meeting he had checked himself into the hospital under a voluntary 72 hour psych hold. Do you know how desperate you have to be to go to the one place that scares you the most and voluntarily check yourself in there?

Of course this meant I had to drive him down there and I was with him while he was explaining to doctors and social workers what had been going on in his head. He explained, in details, his plan on how to end his life if things become too overwhelming. I heard things no parent should ever hear come out of their child's mouth. Things that would make the blood run cold if you heard them come out of a stranger's mouth much less from someone you love. Walking away and leaving your child in the care of a hospital is always difficult to do even under the best of circumstances.

I walked out of that hospital with my head up after giving my son one last hug but once I hit the outside, I crumbled. The tears came and the stress of those last 4 hours was released in a way very out of the norm for me. I am not a crier. I couldn't stop. I even apologized to my friend that was with me for being a baby.

That was Tuesday. It's now Thursday evening and my son seems better. He called earlier in the day sobbing. He had had a panic attack and they had given him an injection. I guess he was a little disoriented and groggy after he woke up and he was working himself back into panic mode. He does want to see about being released tomorrow. He has had enough. I am not sure if they will let him go yet. Honestly, I am not sure he's truly ready but he's an adult and this was voluntary so no one can make him stay.

However,  even with the upswing, I find myself still feeling fragile. I am still but made of glass and I will shatter....

Not Gonna Lie, I'm Drowning....

So after a good day yesterday, last night turned bad. I was up until nearly 7am because my son was just in a bad place. Not bad enough for 911 and 72 hour hold but still, not good. I slept maybe 5 hours total starting after the sun came up. Let me assure you that this is one of the hardest, most painful things I have ever had to do...watch my baby boy suffer. I am not a weak woman and I have had some extremely horrible periods in my life, periods that people would cringe to hear about but this, this is the most painful thing I have ever had to go through.

No one would ever equate me with being helpless but here I am, helpless as fuck. I am also not prone to tears and yet just watching my son suffer makes me cry. It makes me cry thinking about it or even talking about it. I feel like I am watching him drown but I can't quite reach him and the more I try, the more my legs become mired in quicksand. I am being pulled under as I am trying to save him.

Tonight I needed to breathe. My eldest daughter got off work early so I was able to head to my favorite couple's house and watch season 7 of Shameless with them. Well, we started it. It was awesome being able to just sit and watch something without any demands being made of me. Granted, I did have to field texts and calls regarding my eldest son but it was liberating not being in the middle of miasma. I thought everything was okay. He needed some spending money, no big deal.

I was even able to tell my friends more about what was going on, like face-to-face to people I knew loved me and were just as concerned with my family as I was. It felt good. He had slept a little this morning but when he woke up I knew it was not going to be a good day. When I had finally escaped the house, things were quiet. I thought I was in the clear.

I was so fucking wrong. As soon as I got in the car (1am give or take) there was a text from my eldest daughter telling me that my son was not doing well and she didn't know what to do. So I texted my husband to call him and then raced home. He is now on the back porch talking to his dad and I am here, typing this up. I don't know what to do. I am exhausted but I doubt sleep will come. I am too anxious and worried about him. I also have my two youngest kids in my bed. They are more clingy now; though to be fair I think it's more a result of their dad visiting and leaving again than their brother slowly losing his mind.  Then again, it could be a combination of both.

Every day I pray to whatever is out there to help him. To take his torment away. To help me find the strength to bear this burden. I honestly do not think anyone is listening.