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Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Little by Little, Step by Step

My son was released from the psych ward at the hospital a couple days ago and so far everything is going well. He has new meds and finally a diagnosis. I'll keep that diagnosis to myself since it is rather personal. That being said, it's nice to see him a little brighter. He even has something to take for his anxiety and that is a a true gift. His anxiety was so crippling.

Right now I am trying to take life day by day. As much as I want to get my hopes up that these meds are the answer to his needs, I don't really trust it yet. I find myself asking him how he is doing multiple times a day and I am pretty sure that has got to be annoying to him. Today he left the house and went to a park with his friends. My son....left the house. That's huge. My BFF and his wife took the two little ones and me to an area wildlife park. Of course before we left I had to ask him if he was going to be okay alone. Leaving him home alone terrifies me still even though he is much better. I am so scared I'll come home to a body hanging out the third story window...you have no idea.

Of course now that some of the stress of his issues is starting to abate, I have noticed that I am a hot mess. I have anxiety now. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't have the energy to do day to day tasks, and I am just not me. I swear I spend my days spinning in circles. The worst though it at night when I am laying in bed. All the horrible thoughts that run through your brain as you relax sure can screw up one's ability to fall asleep. It would be wonderful to have another body to hold on to when those awful images invade my brain or the nightmares wake me from my sleep. Just someone to hold me, rub my head, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to chase the monsters away so to speak.

Step by step I need to gain some control over my life and myself. I guess I really need someone to take care of me for a change but since that is not an option, I need to deal with it myself. Time to square up my shoulders, look everything in the eye, and try to not crumble. I should probably be grateful my bed is queen sized and not king sized or bigger. That would make that empty space next to me that much more immense.

I am still in physical therapy for my back. I really just need to be done with it. I need to start doing normal exercise so I can get back into shape. I miss my old body. I miss being able to wear my clothes. I miss....shit, I miss a lot of things. Mostly I just miss me.

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