Existential Crisis

I spent the weekend without the little ones. They went to my middle daughter's house for the weekend so I could get a break. The plans I had were postponed so I spent some time just hanging around.

I got asked a question this weekend that I wasn't sure how to answer at first. Now that I have had time to think about it, I realize there really isn't a simple answer. 

The question itself was simple enough."Who are you?" Now this was someone I didn't know well so logically I answered with my name. They clarified that they meant they wanted to know who I was as a person. I replied with a shoulder shrug and said I was just me.

Now that I have had a chance to ponder it.....

I am more hero than villain. I wear a white hat with a black band, my heart on my sleeve but encased in armor. I am the one you adore and the one you abhor. I am generous and selfish. I am the one you fear and I am the one you helplessly need to protect. I have endless strength and I am weak. I am the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and I am homely. I am a goddess and a demon. I am a queen and a peasant. I am kind and cruel. I am forgiving and a holder of grudges...I keep them close to my heart. I am the first one you'd call for a hand but the last one you'd want to call if you did something stupid. You'd probably call me anyway because I wouldn't let you down. I am reliable. I am loyal. I am sweet tempered but fear my wrath. I am self aware and completely clueless about myself. I am small of stature but large in wisdom. I make stupid choices. I am the person you hate to love but can't help it and I am the one you love to hate. I am everything to some and nothing to others. I am larger than life but will sit in a room unnoticed. I am serious and I am silly. I am helpless and self reliant. I am self confident and completely awkward. I am war and I am peace. I am a fierce warrior and I am a coward. I am simple and I am immensely complicated. I am emotional and my emotions are buttoned up. I am profound and I am a simpleton. I love fiercely and can hate just as much. I watch what I say and I use the word fuck without even thinking about it. I try to not offend and can give offense just as easily. I am perfectly flawed and flawlessly perfect. I am as straightforward and honest. I harbor secrets that I will keep hidden through deception or omission if need be. I am nimble and I am clumsy. I love being alone and I am lonely. I will make you proud and I will be a disappointment. 

I am me. I am human. 

Still Breathing

It's been a bit since I updated but my laptop died and I do not have the money to purchase a replacement yet so I write when I can borrow my daughter's.

So far things are good and bad with my son depending on how you look at it. He is more even keeled but he's still self harming but the self harm is reduced to cutting and not trying to bash his own skull in with a weight bar....but when he cuts it's pretty severe...but....it's not very often.....but he's not contemplating suicide....but he's still extremely anxious and obsesses. See? It's all about silver lining versus shit. It's all a matter of how you view things. *stress*

That being said, my hair is falling out most likely from stress. Good thing I have so much damn hair. I will need to start looking for a part time job once the kids start school because we just can't survive on one income for two households any longer. We did what we could for as long as we could but it's come to the end of our rope. This means relying on my son to help with the kids more. I am worried about that but am hoping it'll be low stress for him. His meds aren't worked out enough for anything high stressed and let's face it PTSD isn't something that can be controlled very easily. *Stress*

In the past week my husband got his car towed and it cost $320 to get it out and my son got a speeding ticket going to his sister's place...to the tune of $150. That really clamps down on the budget and makes things extra difficult. I have school supplies/clothes/shoes to buy for the little ones and my younger son's birthday is coming up too. Things are going to hurt financially this month for sure. *STRESS*

My mother has recently learned that being able to continue her work as a hospital floor nurse might not be possible so I have been dealing with her bullshit too. To the tune of defending my son for NOT being in college right now and telling her where she can go. *MORE STRESS*

Since I started writing this, people I know have come forward and told me about their struggles with their children's mental health issues. I am always reading op-ed articles about making mental health issues more out there and for people to quit hiding because there is not shame in it but you know what....not one talks about parenting a child with mental health issues. No one talks about how hard it is to deal with and the daily struggle that comes with not knowing whether or not it will be a good day or bad one with your child. The fear of going to bed because you have no idea whether or not your child will decide to end their life in the middle of the night. No one talks about it. There is still embarrassment and shamed associated with it. That needs to end too.

Today my stress level hit a new high. Between writing the check for the speeding ticket, learning about the impound fees, and defending my son, and his mental illness, to my mother...I had a good cry in the shower. It was either scream and scare the little ones or cry quietly. I chose the latter. There really isn't much lonelier than crying quietly in a shower then getting out, getting dressed, and acting like everything is perfectly fine.

Little by Little, Step by Step

My son was released from the psych ward at the hospital a couple days ago and so far everything is going well. He has new meds and finally a diagnosis. I'll keep that diagnosis to myself since it is rather personal. That being said, it's nice to see him a little brighter. He even has something to take for his anxiety and that is a a true gift. His anxiety was so crippling.

Right now I am trying to take life day by day. As much as I want to get my hopes up that these meds are the answer to his needs, I don't really trust it yet. I find myself asking him how he is doing multiple times a day and I am pretty sure that has got to be annoying to him. Today he left the house and went to a park with his friends. My son....left the house. That's huge. My BFF and his wife took the two little ones and me to an area wildlife park. Of course before we left I had to ask him if he was going to be okay alone. Leaving him home alone terrifies me still even though he is much better. I am so scared I'll come home to a body hanging out the third story window...you have no idea.

Of course now that some of the stress of his issues is starting to abate, I have noticed that I am a hot mess. I have anxiety now. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't have the energy to do day to day tasks, and I am just not me. I swear I spend my days spinning in circles. The worst though it at night when I am laying in bed. All the horrible thoughts that run through your brain as you relax sure can screw up one's ability to fall asleep. It would be wonderful to have another body to hold on to when those awful images invade my brain or the nightmares wake me from my sleep. Just someone to hold me, rub my head, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Someone to chase the monsters away so to speak.

Step by step I need to gain some control over my life and myself. I guess I really need someone to take care of me for a change but since that is not an option, I need to deal with it myself. Time to square up my shoulders, look everything in the eye, and try to not crumble. I should probably be grateful my bed is queen sized and not king sized or bigger. That would make that empty space next to me that much more immense.

I am still in physical therapy for my back. I really just need to be done with it. I need to start doing normal exercise so I can get back into shape. I miss my old body. I miss being able to wear my clothes. I miss....shit, I miss a lot of things. Mostly I just miss me.