Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Variables of Friendship

Friendship: Noun - 1. the state of being a friend; association as friends (to value one's friendship)

I consider myself to be a sensitive, friendly, comforting, honest individual. I like to help people and I enjoy the good feeling I get from knowing that I helped someone in need. I'd share anything of mine with someone I considered a friend. I'd bend over backwards to make them happy. However, sometimes the people that need me use me under the guise of friendship.

I consider myself a good friend. I step up to the plate without being asked and am willing to fade into the background when needed. I never make demands of my friends. I don't demand attention, or phone calls/texts within a certain said time period. I do like to be acknowledged though and all I do ask is that you are at least half the friend to me that I am willing to be to you.

My close friends are my family. I'd do anything for them. I don't expect that same dedication but I do at least expect them to inquire as to my health and well being from time to time. I do not expect to be relegated to being a tool to further your life and once my usefullness has worn off, to be discarded until you're bored or needy again.

Over the past few years I have learned that friendship has many definitions. Friendship is varible, fragile, strong, and fleeting. A friend can be someone you care about for your whole life, but that same person can decide you're inconvenient to have around so will only be your friend when they need you. That need for someone reliable is what drives their "friendship", otherwise you're just someone they know. Once they don't have that driving need, you're just "so-and-so" that I used to hang out with.  But when something comes up that you can't handle or you need someone super reliable, I'll the first person you call. You're not there when I need you though...and that's just selfish.

Honestly, I have spent my life trying to look past most of humanity's flaws in thie regard and I have tried to be above it but this shit is getting old. I am so tired of being someone's closest friend until one of their other close friends has reverted to middle school and won't allow for more than one friend. I am sick of being used by people that profess their affection for me, but dump me when I finish out my required "duty" to them.

Maybe this next year, I need to get mean. Maybe I need to start acting like those people around me. Maybe I should stifle my "goodwill towards man" and start being a user and abuser to those half-assed friends around me. Maybe it's time for me to stop answering their calls. I don't expect my friends to be there at my beck and call, but I do expect them to answer the call/text when it arrives. I do expect a friendly "hi" every month or so. I do expect them to let me need them as much as they need me.  I don't want to be the center of a friend's universe; I'd like to be at least part of the damn asteroid belt.

Is that so much to ask?

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