Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Missing Things

During one of the many sleepless nights I have had recently, I came to a realization. I am completely in the dark whether this is a good thing or not but, I have discovered that there are only a a few things I will miss when I leave Ohio.

Of course I shall my miss my daughters. They have their own lives here in Ohio and will be staying. This is the major downside to raising capable adults, however, it is nice to see they are settled. I shall miss my home. I love this old house and I doubt I will find anything remotely as charming in Colorado. At least not that I can afford.

I will miss the few friends I have. I say few because honestly, there are only a handful of people I can call friends and count on. The vast majority of people I know here are merely acquaintances and some of those I though were friends but once they didn't need anything from me anymore...they stopped talking to me.

I will miss the "small town" feel, the ability to let my kids play in the yard and not worry someone is snatching them from my backyard. Knowing the schools and the kids that attend them. Knowing the police officers by sight if not by name and the things that make small communities adorable. The Struthers Day BBQ is always a good time. Being able to decide to walk to Circle K at 11pm at night and not worry about having to carry mace.

All that being said, I am also missing things already. I am missing...me. The past two and a half years have changed me and I am not sure it has been for the better. Working nights takes its toll on a person's psyche and personality. It wears one out in more that just energy, it wears out your soul. My spirit is exhausted and I am hoping that I can find the woman I was because I am not content with the woman I am now. I used to be cheerful and energetic. Now I just want to be left alone. I don't have the energy to be a part of the world around me. I know it's temporary but it's still disheartening. I want to feel like the bright light I used to be and not the dim bulb I am now.

I watch people around me and I know others feel the same way I do. That the heaviness of life has turned them into hunched over shadows of their former selves and I also know that this is not irreversible. It can be corrected but it takes time to find the proper "remedy".

No I am not depressed so don't anyone worry. I am just truly bone tired, as tired and a human can possibly be. :D

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