Today I fell in love with a simple word....we. If someone would have told me that 'we' was the best word in the English language, up until today I would have disagreed. However, this little word made my heart light up with joy today. We. This minuscule word carries unexpected weight in a relationship. We. It has so many meanings and implications.
We are a team. We have a life together. I see you as a part of me. I can't imagine doing anything without you. I want to support you. We. We is a word of love.
Today I fell in love with 'we'.
Saturday, November 9, 2019
Monday, November 4, 2019
Therapy, Weddings, and Other Things
Today I had another therapy appointment and it is helping me to come to grips with my husband leaving me, me feeling worthless and useless, and finding some peace learning that I am still important even if he didn't think so. I like my therapist a lot and I recommend therapy to anyone that needs help finding their balance so to speak. She also emphasized that I set my boundaries and for me to not be afraid to say I can't handle something. I don't have to be nice and take the hits to keep the peace and I am allowed to say leave me alone.
Today we touched on dating after a marriage ends. I told her about Dave and shockingly she thought it was a fantastic idea and situation. I thought for sure I'd get the usual lecture about healing, taking time to be alone, etc. However, she said if I was ready to get back on the horse than I should go riding. Of course I laughed like a 12 year old at that statement.
The Dave situation seems to be going well. It's all still a little confusing and I am still coming to grips with my feelings of remorse, self-loathing, and regret. He seems to really want to be in it for the long haul so with his support it'll get better. The little ones adore him and he adores them too. SO all in all, it's a good thing.
My oldest daughter is getting married next September. I am not sure what's going to happen. DO I get a plus one and bring Dave? Is the ex going to bring his little girl girlfriend? I am going to have to see both my exes at this wedding and I really want someone there on my side, so I hope Dave comes.
My oldest son is getting ready to move out. I am thrilled he is well enough. Unfortunately, I am not moving to Colorado now so it's a little anti-climatic for me but I couldn't be happier for him. I hope it all works out and he doesn't need to come home. I want him well enough to be independent.
Today we touched on dating after a marriage ends. I told her about Dave and shockingly she thought it was a fantastic idea and situation. I thought for sure I'd get the usual lecture about healing, taking time to be alone, etc. However, she said if I was ready to get back on the horse than I should go riding. Of course I laughed like a 12 year old at that statement.
The Dave situation seems to be going well. It's all still a little confusing and I am still coming to grips with my feelings of remorse, self-loathing, and regret. He seems to really want to be in it for the long haul so with his support it'll get better. The little ones adore him and he adores them too. SO all in all, it's a good thing.
My oldest daughter is getting married next September. I am not sure what's going to happen. DO I get a plus one and bring Dave? Is the ex going to bring his little girl girlfriend? I am going to have to see both my exes at this wedding and I really want someone there on my side, so I hope Dave comes.
My oldest son is getting ready to move out. I am thrilled he is well enough. Unfortunately, I am not moving to Colorado now so it's a little anti-climatic for me but I couldn't be happier for him. I hope it all works out and he doesn't need to come home. I want him well enough to be independent.
Friday, November 1, 2019
Real Bodies
I was in a Discord chatroom and the discussion of what we wear at home in front of our children came up. People were actually surprised that I will walk around my house in my undies, t-shirt, and no bra. I have 2 sons, 21 and 13, and a 9 year old daughter still living at home.
You know what? I have no regrets dressing this way in front of them. Want to know why? They all know what most women really look like. The cellulite, the rolls, the flab, the muscles, the sag, the imperfections that 90% of women have. Rather than only seeing the airbrushed photos of models with seemingly perfect figures, they get to see what the woman they love and respect looks like. Hopefully this will translate into them loving their own flaws and the flaws of the people they fall in love with. It's the person that matters, not the shell they walk around in. I am showing them confidence as well. If i can defiantly walk around in booty short undies and have no fucks to give, maybe they will be confident in themselves as well.
Love thyself.
You know what? I have no regrets dressing this way in front of them. Want to know why? They all know what most women really look like. The cellulite, the rolls, the flab, the muscles, the sag, the imperfections that 90% of women have. Rather than only seeing the airbrushed photos of models with seemingly perfect figures, they get to see what the woman they love and respect looks like. Hopefully this will translate into them loving their own flaws and the flaws of the people they fall in love with. It's the person that matters, not the shell they walk around in. I am showing them confidence as well. If i can defiantly walk around in booty short undies and have no fucks to give, maybe they will be confident in themselves as well.
Love thyself.
Thursday, October 31, 2019
A week later....
It's been a week since my last post and my "coming out" as a psych patient....and it's been odd.
I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.
My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."
Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.
I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.
My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."
Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.
Thursday, October 24, 2019
My name is Carly and I have a mental illness
It has been a while but I have been busy having what would amount to a nervous breakdown.
So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.
So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship. I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.
Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me. His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.
Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.
Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.
I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.
Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.
I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.
So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.
So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship. I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.
Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me. His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.
Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.
Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.
I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.
Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.
I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Growing Up is Hard
This week or so has been very tough for me. I have come to realizations about myself that I hadn't considered before. I am still bi so don't get excited. I generally felt like I was defective or that something was wrong with me. Now that I have been on my own for a couple years, I have had a ton of time to myself to think things over. It was brought to my attention in the past but I ignored it as error on the part of the observer. Yes I know this sounds pretty cryptic but I am not ready to openly talk about it yet, as it were.
Needless to say, facing these changes and self introspection has lit my anxiety up like a damned Christmas tree. I am also abnormally nervous and under a ton of stress. Basically, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or maybe scream. It's a horrible feeling. I am hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I am literally pinning my future on it. If the changes being made fail, life as I know will irreparably change and it will be filled with pain and heartache. If it works out, there will be a happiness I have been missing and that will be wonderful for my husband and kids as well.
I just wish I wasn't blindly slogging through things....
Needless to say, facing these changes and self introspection has lit my anxiety up like a damned Christmas tree. I am also abnormally nervous and under a ton of stress. Basically, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin or maybe scream. It's a horrible feeling. I am hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I am literally pinning my future on it. If the changes being made fail, life as I know will irreparably change and it will be filled with pain and heartache. If it works out, there will be a happiness I have been missing and that will be wonderful for my husband and kids as well.
I just wish I wasn't blindly slogging through things....
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Distance Can Be a Good Thing
So as many of you know, my husband works and lives in Denver while I work and live in NE Ohio with out kids. It isn't an ideal situation but it is what we must do at the moment, so we have adapted. It's been a little over 2 years since he went to Denver. We had not planned on being apart this long and yes, it has created strain and tension in the marriage at times. Namely, he has more freedom than I do since I have the kids and the house to deal with. He just goes to work and then has weekends to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. If I want to do something there has to be arrangements, babysitters, time off (I work every other weekend)....you get the idea. Normally, I just skip it all and stay home. That means for the past 2 years I have pretty much isolated myself from life in general because it is just too damn hard to arrange things most of the time.
Well, I have begun to grow tired of always spending my days off cleaning the house and sitting around so I made a decision to get back into the world. I swear I have been hibernating since he left. I am slowly getting back into living but this time, I am trying to live more for myself and less for everyone else. I have trips planned and events to go to. It is time for me to be a little selfish, frankly it is long overdue.
I decided to explain this to my husband; explain that I wasn't going to spend all my time alone sitting in the house waiting to clean something or for him to call. I wanted to have a life. He took it pretty well and was very supportive of the idea. He thought it was wonderful that I wanted to get out and do things. We talked for hours about things that had been on our minds and you know what, I had never felt closer to him than I did then. Honestly, we hadn't talked like that since we first got married.
Distance is truly tough but sometimes it can be a boon in disguise.
Well, I have begun to grow tired of always spending my days off cleaning the house and sitting around so I made a decision to get back into the world. I swear I have been hibernating since he left. I am slowly getting back into living but this time, I am trying to live more for myself and less for everyone else. I have trips planned and events to go to. It is time for me to be a little selfish, frankly it is long overdue.
I decided to explain this to my husband; explain that I wasn't going to spend all my time alone sitting in the house waiting to clean something or for him to call. I wanted to have a life. He took it pretty well and was very supportive of the idea. He thought it was wonderful that I wanted to get out and do things. We talked for hours about things that had been on our minds and you know what, I had never felt closer to him than I did then. Honestly, we hadn't talked like that since we first got married.
Distance is truly tough but sometimes it can be a boon in disguise.
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