It's been a week since my last post and my "coming out" as a psych patient....and it's been odd.
I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.
My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."
Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Thursday, October 24, 2019
My name is Carly and I have a mental illness
It has been a while but I have been busy having what would amount to a nervous breakdown.
So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.
So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship. I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.
Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me. His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.
Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.
Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.
I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.
Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.
I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.
So let's play catch up. Over the last 2 years, my depression has been spiraling downwards. It started with my husband not communicating or talking to me beyond how the weather was and the issues I was having with my older son's mental illness. Then my husband and I decide we were both lonely and to try opening our marriage but with rules and veto power. When I vetoed his choice, he left me.
So add into everything above the fact my husband left me for a woman the same age as my oldest daughter and you have a perfect storm of hell. Before all of this I decided to date my best friend around March of this year but when I started waffling about my decision, my husband stated if I didn't date Dave then he'd leave me (this was April). I love and care for Dave but was worried about ruining a friendship. I decided to go ahead and continue seeing Dave. My older girls were hurt and angry by MY decision and there was a point neither of them would speak to me. I stood by my decision and desire to be with Dave. In fact, I even called my husband on his bluff and asked what the plans would be for the kids, house, etc if I broke it off with Dave and let Hubby leave me.
Hubby ended up leaving me anyway about 3-4 months ago (July) and cited me wanting to be with Dave as one of the many reasons he was leaving me. His leaving was punctuated with statements about me not being worth the effort, not thinking it was worth trying, untrue statements about what I did and did't like with why she was more perfect for him...then ending with leaving me being the best decision he ever made.
Now we are talking a 26 year marriage with 5 children. He was, what I thought, was the love of my life. I was hurt, confused, and angry. I started getting into bad habits and spiraled further downward. It all eventually culminated in me having to talk myself out of driving off, or getting out of my car and jumping, off a bridge into the Ohio River. I ended up having to pull my car over so I could panic, scream, and cry.
Within 48 hours of that my herniated disc flared up again and I checked myself into the hospital for a psych stay and evaluation. Best decision I have ever made. It allowed me a few days to not think about much and to get myself together. They also gave me a refresher course on coping skills and management of thoughts. I had been off medication for over 18 years but about 4-5 months ago I went to the doctor to get meds. To add to this perfect storm? The med I was put on should have ad a mood stabilizer prescribed with it and it hadn't been. Literally my medication made me more crazy.
Unfortunately, my relationship with my BFF, and boyfriend, has suffered and I am not sure how that is going to end up. I was horrible to him and out of my mind with anger. I was out of control and not myself. Hopefully he can forgive and trust me again someday. I'd hate to lose my best friend. I can handle losing him as a lover but not as a friend. He's too important to me.
I also learned there are bigger stigmas around alternate lifestyles as well as mental health issues than people think. When I had talked to my boss about needing time off to go to psych because I wasn't coping with the ending of my marriage well her reply was, "Oh well I don't want to pry but I heard you had an open marriage" as if my not coping was unreasonable because I had allowed my husband to date someone. Here's the key point, date....not leave the marriage entirely, not treat me like I didn't matter for 2 years, and not to kick me on his way out the door. He successfully tore down what little self worth I had on his way out and I am trying to build myself up.
Yes I went to a psych unit. I had never been in one before and as boring as it got, I would recommend it to anyone that needs it. It was the best mini vacation I have ever had, thought with the worst dress code ever. It was also a relief to know I wasn't the only person that felt like I did. I felt less alone and less insane. There is no shame in asking for help when you need and definitely none in needing extreme help.
I am doing better. I take it day by day. I have a ton of support but not from the people I would have expected to have it from. It was nice to know that people did care about me when the ones that should have didn't. I got more support from strangers on the internet that have followed me on various social media sites than I got from friends I actually know. Friends I had lost touch with came out of the woodwork to love and support me. It was a blessing.
My name is Carly. I have a mental illness, depression with suicidal ideation, I take meds, I've been hospitalized, I've beaten, broken, wounded, and hurt but I will get through this. I will survive this and I will be all the better for it. Please, if you're suffering...get help. Tell me. I'll help you find help. The world needs you even if you think it doesn't. It would be a darker place without you in it.
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