Conversations with Friends

**I should preface this post with a little information: I have never felt that monogamy works for everyone. Statistics on divorce supports this. I adore conversations that make me think about alternative narratives of life. I have always been a odd duck so to speak and have very unique opinions on life and relationships. I also have never viewed any loving relationship as bad. I do not believe there is only one person, one soulmate, out there for everyone. Most of the world would be single because the chance of meeting that one person would be astronomical. I truly do believe it is possible to love more than one person and there is nothing wrong with it. What has been wrong is how society and religion has pigeonholed everyone into the single idea that the only right relationship is a lifetime marriage of one man and one woman. Humans are far more interesting than that and our capacity to love is far more infinite**

always wonderful to have a good friend. That person that knows just how to entertain you or what you need. Last night my friend called me and we had the most fascinating conversation. Now this might not seem all that great to some people but I have a love of all things anthropological, which might seem odd since I generally find people awful but there is a difference between understanding how people work and having to deal with people. I prefer the former.

Now I am not very good at being an "off-the-cuff" speaker most of the time. I like to choose my words and thoughts very carefully. I am very precise about expressing myself as a general rule, so philosophical ramblings, "what if" tangents, and talking about deeper myself are not easy conversations for me. I like to chew on things for a long time, review, and edited to make sure I am expressing my thoughts and opinions in the clearest way possible. It's why I prefer writing things down.

I was presented with a "what if" idea to mull over after a conversation regarding people and the variety of alternative relationships/lifestyles that are out there. Now I am, admittedly, in a very unique relationship right now with my husband living in a different state, so this was all very interesting to me. I have close friends and acquaintances in "alternative" relationships like polyamory or friends that have differing sexual orientations like gay, pansexual, etc.

Well, we stuck to the idea of polyamory for most of the conversation and I was presented with the "what if" - What if you or your husband met someone you cared about and wanted to keep with you openly, what would be done and how do you think you'd each react? Now this was presented in part because of the way we have been living our lives completely apart except for small visits, phone calls, and gaming online. So I suppose the possibility of one of us meeting someone new isn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, if looked at logically.

In fact, I have an acquaintance that just went through something similar in recent years. Granted, they weren't living apart but he found someone else he cared for just as much as his wife and now they live a polyamory lifestyle. Now I find this very interesting because there are kids involved and there are four people involved, he and the new love were both married. I wish I knew them better because I have so many questions; how do you explain it to children, how did you present it to your spouses, how did they take it originally, how do you seemingly make it work so well? So many questions. My curiosity gets the better of me sometimes.

Anyway, this whole thing got me to thinking...what would happen? My husband and I are very different people in many ways including mindsets. While we are also very similar. We are both easygoing, caring, open-minded people but he is far more traditional in many ways than I am. I would like to thank my friend for keeping me up until 4-4:30am thinking about this. Never give me an interesting "what if" to ponder late at night. My brain can't let it go. LOL

Personally, after some serious thought, I'd welcome the addition if there was true caring involved. I'd be excited that my husband met someone he cared for as much as he cared for me. I would embrace the idea. However, this is where I think we'd differ. He's very traditional when it comes to his own relationships so I think he'd be offended, angry, and threatened. I can just visualize the anger now. It's weird how different people in a string relationship can be. Now I could be wrong and he would surprise me by being into the idea but I doubt it. I've been married to this man for 25 years and he's only surprised me twice, both recently but still it's only twice. I can read him like a book.

tl;dr Last night I was presented with the idea of my marriage being less than traditional in various settings and it kept me awake because I am a geek about human behavior.

Still Lost In Thought

Tonight I am sitting here and thinking about what I contribute to the lives of the people around me. Am I making a good impact or am I not? What are they gaining by allowing me to be a part of their lives? It might seem strange to some that I actively do this but I find it helpful. It keeps me honest with myself and helps me to try to be the best person I can be. I am not perfect so I am sure there are times I am less than wonderful but, I do try.

I am finding that after being on my own for over 2 years, I have grown less patient. I tire quickly of things that annoy me and so many things annoy me now; more than than before. I am also becoming far too independent and far too cold. I have come to the end of the fucks I have to give. My bag of fucks is nearly empty so I choose what I give a fuck about more carefully. It is hard to have a warm, soft heart and gentle soul when the weight of the world (family) rests on your shoulders alone. Heavy loads weigh a person down, ages them, makes them more selfish, emotionless, and often times it makes a person break. I haven't broken yet but I am definitely fraying around the edges a bit. Hopefully it'll make me look well loved like an old blanket and not torn up like a rag. 

There's another issue, love. I don't think people realize what a luxury love is. It takes a ton of energy to love, it takes a lot of time to love, and it certainly takes a lot of attention. None of these things are things I have time for anymore. I find that I am getting rather hardhearted in a way. I don't want to be like that so I am trying to be more aware of it. I am paying attention to it and trying to nurture that kinder side of me. It ain't easy though. Thus I question myself and motives almost daily. I have to. 

Things with my son are up and down. Good and bad times come in waves. Not small waves but tsunami like waves, waves that overtake everything. The good days are great and I cherish each one. The bad days are full of stress, anxiety, sleepless nights, and heartache, I see a light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is so damn long. I just want him to have a life that is some sort of normal for him. One that allows him to be his kind of happy and independent. I know that's what he wants too. He feels guilty that I am still in Ohio because "it's all his fault" but in reality, it isn't. Sure he's the reason I am not in a rush because what mother would be able to walk away from her child that is in need, but there are other things keeping me here as well. It's hard to move away from three of your kids, separate siblings, and leave a place that has been home for so many years. Plus I might not have a big circle of friends but the ones I do have, I cherish and love. It's all rather heartbreaking, if I am honest. 

I tend to leave a lot of things unsaid or hold things inside because I fear burdening others with everything I am thinking or feeling. Sometimes I do it to protect others as well as myself. Then there are just somethings that are better of unsaid because expressing them can cause someone pain. 

Enough rambling, I need to get a game controller in my hand or start doing needlework again to ease my brain. I spend too much time alone so I think too much. 

Finally Got A Laptop

My laptop died a little over a year ago and thanks to a wonderful friend, I have a lovely serviceable laptop again. Anyhoo, on to other things.

I am now on back issue #3 so that has given me some time to think and question myself. Possibly too much time but it is what it is. It has also been a little over 2 years since my husband moved to Colorado to work. Trying to balance our separate lives and our lives together, namely our marriage, has been quite the example of dexterity. Somehow we are making it work. Probably because we know we have separate lives and neither of us tries to insert ourselves in the other's life through jealousy, anger, or resentment. The feelings might be there but we keep it to ourselves, I guess.

I recently made the statement that people come into our lives for a reason and a friend of mine stated he did not like that idea because it gives the impression that we do not control our lives; that everything is already predetermined. He is right, I guess it does though I did not mean it that way. I had a lovely weekend with this friend. We spent it in Cleveland and I have not enjoyed myself like that, total relaxation, in a very long time. Back to reality today though. I had to have an EMG and I started yet another round of physical therapy so my brain had a lot of time to wander. Neither event kept my brain busy enough to keep it from looking inward.

When I say that people come into our lives for a reason, I really mean that we surround ourselves with certain people for a reason. We are the ones that choose, either consciously or unconsciously, those that we want around us. Maybe the role they fill is pretty obvious or basic; like you have this one for comfort when you need it or this one for intimacy or maybe this one to just get wild with when you need to blow off steam. Sometimes the reasons are far more subtle and intangible. Take a look at the people you choose to spend time with or talk to; why did you pick them in particular? This is a question I have been asking myself all day.

Of course the bigger question is why am I asking myself this? Mostly because I want to be sure I have people around me for the right reasons, not out of fear for myself but out of worry for them. Being on my own with the kids has been hard and maybe it's because of the life I have had but I worry that I could be perceived as using or taking from them. I never want to be a drain on anyone I care about but I also do not want to be the source of their pain.

My life has become increasingly complicated and isolating, and I do not want that to spill over to others. No one deserves that kind of hurt and I am the only person that should be cleaning up my messes. I just need to get my head back in the game so to speak.