Still Breathing

It's been a bit since I updated but my laptop died and I do not have the money to purchase a replacement yet so I write when I can borrow my daughter's.

So far things are good and bad with my son depending on how you look at it. He is more even keeled but he's still self harming but the self harm is reduced to cutting and not trying to bash his own skull in with a weight bar....but when he cuts it's pretty severe...but....it's not very often.....but he's not contemplating suicide....but he's still extremely anxious and obsesses. See? It's all about silver lining versus shit. It's all a matter of how you view things. *stress*

That being said, my hair is falling out most likely from stress. Good thing I have so much damn hair. I will need to start looking for a part time job once the kids start school because we just can't survive on one income for two households any longer. We did what we could for as long as we could but it's come to the end of our rope. This means relying on my son to help with the kids more. I am worried about that but am hoping it'll be low stress for him. His meds aren't worked out enough for anything high stressed and let's face it PTSD isn't something that can be controlled very easily. *Stress*

In the past week my husband got his car towed and it cost $320 to get it out and my son got a speeding ticket going to his sister's place...to the tune of $150. That really clamps down on the budget and makes things extra difficult. I have school supplies/clothes/shoes to buy for the little ones and my younger son's birthday is coming up too. Things are going to hurt financially this month for sure. *STRESS*

My mother has recently learned that being able to continue her work as a hospital floor nurse might not be possible so I have been dealing with her bullshit too. To the tune of defending my son for NOT being in college right now and telling her where she can go. *MORE STRESS*

Since I started writing this, people I know have come forward and told me about their struggles with their children's mental health issues. I am always reading op-ed articles about making mental health issues more out there and for people to quit hiding because there is not shame in it but you know what....not one talks about parenting a child with mental health issues. No one talks about how hard it is to deal with and the daily struggle that comes with not knowing whether or not it will be a good day or bad one with your child. The fear of going to bed because you have no idea whether or not your child will decide to end their life in the middle of the night. No one talks about it. There is still embarrassment and shamed associated with it. That needs to end too.

Today my stress level hit a new high. Between writing the check for the speeding ticket, learning about the impound fees, and defending my son, and his mental illness, to my mother...I had a good cry in the shower. It was either scream and scare the little ones or cry quietly. I chose the latter. There really isn't much lonelier than crying quietly in a shower then getting out, getting dressed, and acting like everything is perfectly fine.