Motoring on

Well, my oldest son moved out last week and he is thrilled to have his own space. I am excited for him and I am proud he has finally achieved this milestone in life.

I am doing okay myself. Not great, I have noticed I suffer from a crushing loneliness at times. Not because my son moved out, I still have two more kids here, but because it's hard to be alone. Yes I have a boyfriend that I see on the weekends. He's wonderful and keeps me grounded but the week can be hard to get through.

I have a ton of things I could be doing around here to reorganize and redo my home but I am having trouble finding the motivation when I am alone. When my boyfriend is here it;s hard to get anything serious done, like cleaning, because I want to spend time with him. I need to find some sort of balance in my life. I feel like all I do is eat, sleep, and work. I need a vacation.

Sweet Spring

It is a fantastically stunning day today in my corner of Ohio. Too bad the state lock down because of the virus is in effect so it's hard to truly enjoy it.

My house is a Defcon 4 disaster so not too bad but not where I want it. My oldest son is moving out so things are in an even bigger disarray.

I ended up getting a 2 week, unpaid vacation because I got sick. Due to the nature of my job, the doctor refused to let me go to work. Did I get anything done here? Not really. I am too stressed about missing a whole paycheck.

Life is good though overall. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being that somehow manages to put up with my shit and makes me feel cared for despite myself. The little ones are doing great and my oldest girl is getting married this year. My second oldest just moved into a better and cheaper apartment and she loves her job. Things could only be better if my house was back the way I want it.

Chaos of mind brought chaos of living space and while it's okay.....it's not the way it used to be so I need to slowly purge and fix it. I did my 13 year old's room and he will be getting a new bed, upgrade to a double. He's ready to ditch the twin.

My boyfriend has plans for my year so it'll look pretty and cared for again. I gave him leave to do whatever he wants. I don't care what gets pulled out except the tree and the lilacs. The rest can go. Yes, even the roses.

I still have hard and dark days but they are fewer and far between. I am getting through the pain, self loathing, and anger I have felt for over 3 years. The way I was showed to look at myself, I am learning isn't correct. I am worthy, I am amazing, I am strong, and sure, I need a tune up but I am still desirable in my way.

Life is weird

My life is weird would probably be more specific. If you have told me a year ago that my husband was going to leave me for a girl the same age as our daughters I would have told you that you were crazy....yet here I am. I could not have imagined my life being as weird as it is right now. I am getting over my loss. The wound is still there, festering and bleeding but deep wounds take a long time to heal. In fact, they heal better, without scars, if they are irritated now and again rather than getting covered with a scab and letting an infection fester beneath.

My older son found a place he wants to move into so I hope he gets it. My life can move forward once I know he's safe and settled. The things we do for our progeny...the sacrifices we make. They tend to go unrecognized until the day we die then memories and hindsight come flooding back for those we left behind.

My oldest daughter is getting married. This will be a strange event for me. I don't feel old enough to have a married kid and both her father and my ex-husband will be there. Sooooooooooooo awkward!

I am getting back into embroidery but gaming has gone by the wayside a bit. Nothing out there has grabbed me, so to speak. My meds are okay though not perfect. Got to love the fact that psychiatric medications are still considered experimental. I dream less,I think. Which is a good thing.

I have a wonderful man by my side. He is supportive and does not comment on things like my body. He cares for me just as I am and any way I might be. It is refreshing. I can say whatever I am thinking and I no longer fear being judged or misunderstood. He will ask questions if he needs an explanation rather than jumping to the worst possible conclusion right off the bat. I no longer fear expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I am doing well and taking life by the horns, as it were. I need to be me.

The Best Word

Today I fell in love with a simple word....we. If someone would have told me that 'we' was the best word in the English language, up until today I would have disagreed. However, this little word made my heart light up with joy today. We. This minuscule word carries unexpected weight in a relationship. We. It has so many meanings and implications.

We are a team. We have a life together. I see you as a part of me. I can't imagine doing anything without you. I want to support you. We. We is a word of love.

Today I fell in love with 'we'.

Therapy, Weddings, and Other Things

Today I had another therapy appointment and it is helping me to come to grips with my husband leaving me, me feeling worthless and useless, and finding some peace learning that I am still important even if he didn't think so. I like my therapist a lot and I recommend therapy to anyone that needs help finding their balance so to speak. She also emphasized that I set my boundaries and for me to not be afraid to say I can't handle something. I don't have to be nice and take the hits to keep the peace and I am allowed to say leave me alone.

Today we touched on dating after a marriage ends. I told her about Dave and shockingly she thought it was a fantastic idea and situation. I thought for sure I'd get the usual lecture about healing, taking time to be alone, etc. However, she said if I was ready to get back on the horse than I should go riding. Of course I laughed like a 12 year old at that statement.

The Dave situation seems to be going well. It's all still a little confusing and I am still coming to grips with my feelings of remorse, self-loathing, and regret. He seems to really want to be in it for the long haul so with his support it'll get better. The little ones adore him and he adores them too. SO all in all, it's a good thing.

My oldest daughter is getting married next September. I am not sure what's going to happen. DO I get a plus one and bring Dave? Is the ex going to bring his little girl girlfriend? I am going to have to see both my exes at this wedding and I really want someone there on my side, so I hope Dave comes.

My oldest son is getting ready to move out. I am thrilled he is well enough. Unfortunately, I am not moving to Colorado now so it's a little anti-climatic for me but I couldn't be happier for him. I hope it all works out and he doesn't need to come home. I want him well enough to be independent.

Real Bodies

I was in a Discord chatroom and the discussion of what we wear at home in front of our children came up. People were actually surprised that I will walk around my house in my undies, t-shirt, and no bra. I have 2 sons, 21 and 13, and a 9 year old daughter still living at home.

You know what? I have no regrets dressing this way in front of them. Want to know why? They all know what most women really look like. The cellulite, the rolls, the flab, the muscles, the sag, the imperfections that 90% of women have. Rather than only seeing the airbrushed photos of models with seemingly perfect figures, they get to see what the woman they love and respect looks like. Hopefully this will translate into them loving their own flaws and the flaws of the people they fall in love with. It's the person that matters, not the shell they walk around in. I am showing them confidence as well. If i can defiantly walk around in booty short undies and have no fucks to give, maybe they will be confident in themselves as well.

Love thyself.

A week later....

It's been a week since my last post and my "coming out" as a psych patient....and it's been odd.

I am finding that I feel far more awkward around people now. I somehow feel like I am being watched and judged on every word or every movement. Yes I went to psych to get some much needed help but it doesn't mean I am a psycho. I am also far more wary that I was before. I am so afraid to make any misstep or say something that could be taken incorrectly that I am not speaking my mind as I would normally do. I am not behaving with the natural fluidity that I used to have. I am more nervous and apprehensive. I feel like a pariah, as if I am now publicly damaged goods in some way.

My self-esteem has taken a hit as well. Not that it hadn't taken a hit already by my husband's leaving me for a younger, thinner, fitter girl that turns out to have the same hobbies as I do. It's like I was traded for a newer model. At any rate, that's neither here not there. It's over forever. I will never accept him back and I am ready to move forward but now I feel defective and unworthy of anyone because I am "broken."

Broken of heart, mind, body, and spirit. How do I ask or expect someone to support me? Like they didn't sign up for my brand of crazy so how can I sit and ask them for caring and support? I need a quiet talk, a fire, and a small glass of scotch. It's my thinking routine.